Eleven Days

Photo by Kaur Martin on Unsplash

Eleven days are the number of days I was away from my kids and my home. I’ve never left my kids longer than 3 days, even when I gave birth they would visit me every day and I never stayed more than 3 nights.

We have been planning this trip for a while, and by planning, I mean researching options without any definite decision of when or where. We knew we would be in Germany for three days for something work related for my husband. My husband let me choose our destination before that. If you know me you will have already guessed that I chose Italy.

I have to admit that when I think about how long I have been feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and burnt out… it’s been a long time. The pandemic was very hard on me (like so many people around the world) I talk about it here and here. After the pandemic a series of unfortunate events led to us starting a, major renovation outside, inside and adding a floor to our house. Then this past summer we started a second major renovation to the second floor plus my mother in law’s kitchen and laundry room. There are a lot of other little and big things in between. I guess I’m trying to justify my need to go on vacation without my kids. I admit I know I needed it but I still felt guilty. With everything happening around the world, that added to my guilt. How could I go on vacation and have fun when so many people were living in fear, homeless and cold? I knew that my vacation would not add to their misery, yet I couldn’t help feeling guilty. I reminded myself that we were going on a business trip to justify to myself too. I know the guilt effected my ability to plan.

Something a friend told me helped me feel better about going, she told me: you are making everything your responsibility, you are doing everything yourself because you want everything done your way. Which is true, it’s easier and faster if I do things myself and it is done my way which of course is the right way. I am slowly letting go of how things should be done. I’ve come a long way but I still have a long way to go.

My friend’s aunt had passed away recently (may God have mercy on her soul) and she told me: my aunt used to do everything for her kids, she did everything for the household, not because she had to but because she wanted to. As a result, when she passed way, we didn’t know how her kids would manage. Her daughter being the youngest, had never been grocery shopping, never cooked, even though she’s in college. Now, she goes grocery shopping and cooks and does everything herself. Life goes on and they are all fine. She made me realize I didn’t need to be this exhausted. Even though, I grew up in a large family were we each of us were responsible for certain chores and for ourselves, I washed and ironed my own clothes, I went to bed early and woke up early. My mother didn’t have to nag me. I did so much growing up that I never even asked my kids to do. Why? because it’s easier to get things done myself; my way. I realized how wrong I was, I need my kids to be more responsible and more capable. To depend on themselves. Not only for school work and studies but, also for day to day life. So, I made a decision before I left on my trip, I would slowly start teaching them life skills, starting with doing laundry. We have an automatic washer that is pretty easy to use. I made a video showing how to use our washer, and sent it to my two oldest. I told them even they were staying at home and their grandmother would willingly do their laundry, it was unnecessary. They both did their laundry and never asked their grandmother to once. My oldest loves to cook, I made sure I stocked up the freezer for them and he would make dinner for him and his sister every day. One day he called me to ask if his siblings could spend the night: I want to cook dinner for them and I’ll put them to bed and wake them up for school. I was so proud of him for taking the responsibility upon himself. I told him though, his aunt was in charge and he needed to speak with her. The gesture was enough for me. I am very proud of how responsible my two oldest have shown me they are. I am glad my three youngest were good and didn’t give their aunt any trouble, the two older boys also helped with their youngest brother without asking. Their aunt says they were all a great help, even her boys.

I have not gotten over the jet lag and exhaustion of the last three days of our trip (that is a post of its own) but I decided before I left on vacation; that I was going to change the way I did things for my kids.

I know I have added too many unnecessary responsibilities to my already overflowing plate. I know now that reaching that level of burnt out was mostly my own doing. I will not let myself get there again.

I have felt as if I wasn’t the mother I used to be because I didn’t have the energy or the desire to all the little things I used to do with my kids.(maybe not little) like baking on the weekends so the kids had easy breakfast options and snacks for school, like making pancakes or waffles every Friday (it was tradition) like taking the kids out to the zoo, or a park, or to visit someone, like doing science experiments or art projects, like the summer bucket lists that my younger kids don’t even remember...

I know that renovations and other circumstances having taken a lot of my time and energy. I shouldn’t take for granted how much work I do other than just be a mom. Though let’s be honest, just being a mom is a lot by itself. I was also giving myself unnecessary responsibilities when it came to my mother in law and in laws, I have been slowly letting go of them. I don’t do all the things I used to and believe it or not; the earth hasn’t stopped turning! We really do put too much pressure on ourselves, thinking we have to, when we don’t.

Recently, when I fill out an application or a form for a race, if they ask if I work, I say yes. If they ask if I work part time or full time I choose full time. We are used to considering mothers as unemployed because we don’t get payed for all our work but I think we need to change that. first of all, we work full time. Second, even if we don’t have a paying job in addition to our job as a mother, our support helps our partner make succeed at their job and make money so that should count too!

So, after 11 days of relaxed slow-paced days, that allowed me to recharge, reset and reflect on how my life was going and how I want it to go: I am home. Back to my sweet children’s arms full of love and joy.

It is good to be home.

Now it is time to make little changes so I hold on to this renewed energy. I never want to feel they way I did before this trip ever again.