Loss
I was designing T shirts for everyone to wear to raise my fathers spirits. I never got a chance to finish the design and print them… There are so many stupid details that hurt.
It will always be hard to lose a loved one but I think one of the biggest losses is losing a parent. This isn’t something I thought I’d be writing so soon. I thought we had a long and hard battle with cancer but I was so sure we would win. We didn’t this time. It hurts so much to type these words, I was actually writing a post about my father and as I tried to read it today I couldn’t help but think, how I’d have to change it to past tense. It hurts so much and yet; the pain is comforting and I’m not sure I want it to go away. There is so many thoughts going through my head as I try to realize that my father has passed away. I want the world to stop while I sit by myself and feel sad and try to process everything, but it won’t and I can’t because I have so many responsibilities, so many people who depend on me. It’s just so much and it is too much but somehow, I’m pushing through. I don’t know what I want, but it would be nice if the world would stop for a day and let me be.
Faith
I have been struggling the past two weeks more than usual. My father was diagnosed with cancer in December. I’ve been trying to write about it but, it’s been hard.
My father has been admitted in the hospital for the past two weeks and it’s been hard watching him like this. It feels like he has given up and I’ve been so angry, frustrated and sad.
This morning I had moment of clarity. I was thinking about my dad, how I had told my mother that all we could do now was pray that God gave my dad the strength to try and get better. We were doing everything we could.
This morning I remembered something God said. About how if we think something good will happen God will give us that but, if we think something bad will happen God will give us that. I realized that I had been so focused on being angry at my dad for giving up that I had forgotten that God is the one who can give my father the strength and will to try and get better. I know this is hard on my dad. It’s a hard diagnosis to accept, I think I was overwhelmed with emotion but this morning I had a moment of calm. I am doing everything I possibly can do to help my father and my mother, I’m there to be supportive and I’m doing everything physical possible to help. Now, I need to focus more on my faith. I need to remember that when I believe God will give my father the strength and will, I need to believe that God will heal my dad. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy journey, I doesn't mean it’s going to be a short journey. But it will happen.
and all of a sudden, it’s the end of February…
February is Riyadh Marathon Month.
My last post was in November, when I promised more constant posts. I went away for a week with my husband on a work + pleasure trip to London. I met up with two YOU friends and had a great time! I came back to news that turned my world upside down, I’ve been trying to post about it and didn’t know where to begin. On the 30th of November we learned there was something concerning about my father’s abdominal ultrasound. On the 9th of December we found out he had stomach cancer. The past two months and a half have been long and hard.
Before my parents moved to Riyadh, I was busy getting their apartment ready. We had furnished it with the minimal basics two years ago, when they came for a couple of months. We had hope that they would move to Riyadh but it was only temporary. The apartment was originally my brother’s, who kept it because he came to Riyadh often and new it would come in handy if my parents wanted to come to Riyadh. We never thought they would move to Riyadh so my father could get cancer treatment.
Furnishing the apartment was a great distraction. I knew my parents wouldn’t be in the mood to choose throw pillows and paintings so I tried to think of every last detail and make sure the house felt like a home. I guess it was my way of coping with the diagnosis. I focused on the apartment and tried to get the bigger items like an oven and new sofa before they arrived. I tried to get all the kitchen essentials, down to a potato peeler and cheese grater. I went grocery shopping the day they arrived and discovered I didn’t know a lot about what they liked. I asked my younger brothers about what cheeses they preferred and what rice brand my mom liked to cook. Somehow them arriving was a great relief to me. It meant my father was here and would start treatment.
Nothing could have prepared us for how stressful each step of the way is, and each appointment reminded me of my son by milk R and his amazing mother. It made me realize even more, how strong she was. When R got his cancer diagnosis it was the middle of the pandemic and hospitals still had very strict precautions. Especially with immune compromised children. She had to take her son to his appointments by herself. Even her husband wasn’t allowed inside the hospital. Not even to drop off some clothes. R spent a week in the hospital when he got his chemo dose, it was a one week per month. Even though I did my best to help and be supportive I can’t imagine how lonely it must have been. Yet she managed and her optimism really helped R get through it.
Now, every time I walk into the hospital building where my father gets his treatment, I feel so many emotions. None of them are pleasant.
The Riyadh marathon was on February 8th, I had registered myself and 4 of my boys/boys by milk too. (Kids can only do the 4k) One of my younger brothers registered for the 10k with me. This was before my father’s diagnosis. Since my father was stable at the time we decided to go. It was nice to get away from it all.
My father was admitted into the hospital two weeks ago. They’ve stopped the cancer treatments until he is physically stronger. They believe the chemo will do more harm than good. It’s so difficult seeing my father like this. I feel so helpless. It seems like there is nothing I can do to help. I try not to show this to my dad or my mom. When my dad was first admitted, I would spend the night with my mom, so she wasn’t all alone in their apartment. She always insists she’s ok and is fine alone. But I remember how she always used to say how she could never imagine living all alone. In the beginning we believed my father would only be there for observation, then the days kept dragging by with no talk of discharging him. I was torn between staying with my mother, taking her to visit my dad, and my home and children. My husband has been very supportive but I have so many responsibilities, it’s been very hard. By the weekend I realized that I needed to ask for my brothers help, we started taking turns spending the night at my parent’s apartment. Sharing this responsibility with two of my brothers really helped. I think it also helped my mom not feel guilt that she was taking me away from my kids.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, it seems like a long depressing post. But maybe we need to talk about it, I know it’ll make me feel better and maybe it’ll help someone who is going through something similar.
It’s so difficult seeing a loved one go through this, especially a parent. My father is not the most cooperative patient and sometimes I feel like he’s giving up and that makes me feel so sad, angry and frustrated. How can he just give up?! It’s not fair. He needs to make an effort to get better, if not for himself, for us! Especially my mother, they have been married for over forty years. I can’t imagine how hard this is for her. She doesn’t talk much, she has no appetite, when I spend the night I sit on the recliner in her room and talk until she falls asleep. Then I sit a little longer to make sure she’s asleep. I know if I leave her to her thoughts she won’t get much sleep.
One of my younger brothers is staying with my father at the hospital. He’s doing so much for him and he never complains. He’s so good with my father and my father usually listens to him more than anyone else. I’m lucky have so many siblings, and we share the load. Though sometimes it feels like it’s all on me and it can be so overwhelming. I know its my fault, I’m still bad at delegating, though I’m getting better. Although it is a lot and I have come to realize that its ok to feel this way. When something this big, interrupts your life, it feels like the world should too. How can the world keep turning and everyone keep living their lives? That’s the thing, you can’t stop living, you have to keep living and cope with it. When my father was first admitted, my kids had exams, I only need to help my 6th grader study and I’m trying to teach him to be more independent but I still needed to be there for all of them, it was hard. I’m grateful we have a week vacation now. Ramadan is in a week and in between trying to balance everything else I’ve also been preparing for Ramadan. I’ve spoken about how I like to prepare some foods for Ramadan because Ramadan is about worship and not about sending hours in the kitchen. I am exhausted. Hopefully this week I can rest a little it has felt like I’ve been running since the beginning of December.
I’m sorry this is so long and all over the place, I just needed to write down my thoughts. Thank you if you’ve reached the end.
It’s October Again
Monday mornings start with coffee and a jog in the park with friends.
I started writing this in October and just finished it.
I have been very busy the past couple of months and I have not been posting here which I really miss. I know I made a commitment to post once a week and I plan on starting again. I guess maybe I needed a break, it has been a lot to deal with and maybe, it’s always a lot but it’s not always easy balancing everything. I’ve learned that its ok, its ok to be overwhelmed sometimes but, you need to try to realize it early and come up with a plan to make things less overwhelming. (easier said than done I know.)
In May I was recovering from surgery, it took much longer than I anticipated. In June, I was beginning to regain my energy, did some small projects in the house before my mother in law came home from vacation, attended my brother’s engagement in another city, came back for Eid Al Adha. Mid-June and Mid-July were the days of the never-ending sleepover, it was exhausting, but so much fun! I’m grateful I was able to give them the opportunity to make so make memories. The other half of July we went on a family vacation, minus my oldest. This was the first time we traveled as a family without him. He was taking two summer courses at a university, a great opportunity for him which we are grateful we were able to give him. August started with Jetlag, a mountain of laundry, that I barley finished in time for my eldest’s mountain of laundry and back to school preparations. In addition to helping plan my younger brother’s wedding (which was held in another city) and working on a project I’m not ready to talk about yet.
It’s October again, my favorite month. My brother’s wedding was a successful, beautiful event. I wish them a lifetime of happiness. We’re almost done with the project I’ve mentioned. We seem to have gotten into the school routine and hopefully things will slow down a bit. Well, as slow as possible with five kids.
When school started, I got my quiet mornings again. The beginning of the school year always gets me thinking; what am I doing with my life? Am I where I want to be? What do I want to do with my mornings? I try not to be hard on myself. It feels like I haven’t gotten anywhere. I know my life is full and I am already doing a lot. I decided this year that I wanted to really focus with my kids. I was so busy with the renovations and some health issues and now I have the time and mind space to be more present. My youngest is in the first grade and needs extra attention with school work since his Arabic isn’t as fluent as his English. My oldest is a senior in high school and although he is very independent and studies on his own, he needs me to be there to ask about his studies and remind him to keep his eye on the finish line, he is almost there! My daughter just started high school, she was a little overwhelmed at the beginning of the year but is adjusting well. She has more school work and projects and needs me now and then to help with things. My two middle sons are doing well, I’m trying to step back more and let them depend on themselves more, it’s not so easy. We want to be there all the time and help them every step of the way.
I still have some minor organizing projects in the house and two rooms I would like to make over. (I know I said I was done but I’m almost there)
I’m back at the gym twice a week with a new personal trainer and it feels so good to be back to my intense workouts! I’m finally joining the wonderful RWG community on the Monday mall walks so now I get some much needed adult time, walking & talking.
All of a sudden, its November and I haven’t completed this post or posted it. I still seem to be a bit stuck with my writing. My husband has been constantly out of town which is exhausting for both us. My kids are in two different types of school so we have three with two terms and two with three terms. They have managed to sync their vacations so that’s not an issue but it seems like a year of never-ending exams. It’s not so bad and we’re managing. We have a week-long vacation coming up and their brother by milk is coming to spend it with us. Since the weather is finally cooling down we are looking forward to walks in the neighborhood and picnics in the park.
I’ve finished the project I was working on, the RWG have started training for the Riyadh Marathon 2025 which has been a great way to start my Mondays. I’m doing the 10k at the Tuwaiq trail race inshallah and even though I don’t feel as fit as I was last year I’m confident I can do this.
I’m trying to be more present on social media, mostly Instagram. I know one of the reasons I don’t post much is because I overthink things, I want things to be real, but I’m a perfectionist so I want it perfect. I still have this immense feeling of guilt that has shadowed the past year, I never imagined the events of October 7th of last year would lead to a year of fear, hunger and so much devastation with no end in sight. As we live our lives every day, our hearts and minds are always with them.
So here I am again, after five months of absence. Ready to come back to my little corner of the internet, sharing you my thoughts and experiences as a mother.
Tonsillectomy as an Adult Week One
The last cappuccino I had before my operation.
I started writing this after surgery, slowly, it has take me about four weeks to finish this. Recovery has been harder than I thought and I’m still not 100% pain-free and I’m still low on enragy and exhausted. I want to post this in hopes of helping someone prepare for this surgery.
I wrote about sleep and how I discovered I have obstructive sleep apnea. The solution for my sleep apnea was surgery.
It’s been exactly one week since I had my tonsils removed, a turbinate reduction and palatal surgery. I was supposed to have a uvula palatoplasty, but thankfully I didn’t need one. Apparently, it is a very painful procedure.
I have yet to see results for my sleep apnea. I will tell you honestly how this week went. I want to be honest and tell you what I went through in hopes that if someone needs this surgery they will be prepared.
First of all, I have to tell you, I am blessed with a great surgeon. He is very dedicated. He was very clear and explained everything and he didn’t take surgery as the first option but in my case, it was the best option.
He explained the operation, risks and complications. He told me how painful it was going to be. I was told by multiple doctors how painful a tonsillectomy is as an adult. I never imagined it would be this bad.
Let me start with how I prepared before the operation, I didn’t know what to expect but since everyone emphasized how painful it would be I decided to do anything I could to make my life easier post op. If you remember, we have been renovating the house and the last room to be completed was my kitchen, when I found out I needed surgery, I knew I needed to wait for my kitchen to be installed and organize everything before the operation. I worked very hard to unpack my kitchen with the help of our two full time helpers and my kids. I finished organizing everything the Thursday before the operation. The week before, I did all the laundry and literally did two final loads the night before the surgery before I went to bed. I bought lots of fresh chicken breasts and ground lamb and cooked and seasoned them. Them, divided them in containers and put them in the freezer. I bought fresh chicken, cut and seasoned it and froze them individually for a quick and easy roasted chicken in the oven. I stalked up on easy dinner ideas like prebaked pizza crusts, chicken nuggets, precut fries. I bought plenty of frozen vegetables for easy sides. I stalked up on things my kids especially my two youngest could eat as healthy snacks. Plenty of cereals, their favorite yoghurts, snack sized peanuts and cashew… I even preordered everything we would need for Eid. Which isn’t for another month. But, I’m glad I did, because now I don’t have to worry about that either. I took my daughter shopping and made sure she had everything for her middle school graduation which I attended 6 days PO. I bought lots of ice cube trays that have covers because I think uncovered ice tastes funny. I wasn’t sure if I’d need ice but I’m so glad I bought so many! I practically lived on ice and water the first week. I also stocked up on frozen fruit for smoothies and bought plenty of chocolate pudding and cream caramel (another type of pudding with a burnt sugar caramel sauce) I bought Greek yoghurt drink to eat and drink thinking it would be great source of protein but I was unable to eat dairy for the first week, I’ll write about that later.
I bought a white board and marker that I took with me to the hospital which was a great idea because I was unable talk at all the first week.
I bought my youngest a new extension to his IKEA train set, and my ten year old two new books and a new puzzle he had been asking for, I bought my 12 year old a fun active game that he could play with his siblings. (Mom guilt had kicked in and I wanted something fun to keep them busy Friday morning while my husband was at the hospital with me.)
I am very grateful for my pre-op self for everything I did! It has helped a lot.
I went in on Friday morning. We arrived at 6 am as instructed. They prepped me and I was in at around 11:30 am. The nurses and anesthetist were all reassuring and great. I remember saying a prayer as I dosed off. I woke up in my room with my husband by my side waiting for me to wake up. I was in pain even though I was given something for the pain. My tears were rolling down my cheeks and I couldn’t open my eyes. I kept dozing off and waking up again. They gave me something else for the pain which helped but I ended up asking for something stronger. My husband and sister in law (a doctor) were there to advocate for me and make sure I got stronger pain meds. I recommend if you are doing this procedure in particular, have someone with you because you will be in too much pain and unable to talk.
My doctor is amazing, he had already given me his personal number if I had any questions pre or post operation. He met my husband post operation, reassured him that the operation went better than expected and everything was good. He also gave him his number too just in case.
Later in the afternoon, they brought me vanilla ice cream and my husband encouraged me to try to eat some to ease the pain. A little later I vomited, it was after she gave me the steroids (every time I took it via IV it would make me nauseous) Later that evening I vomited again after having some yoghurt. The doctor said sometimes there is a reaction between the anesthesia and lactose so I stopped dairy products for about a week, even today two weeks later some dairy doesn’t sit well in my stomach.
Later that evening my other sister in law came with my daughter and youngest son. My husband left to take our boys to his nephews wedding. (We do men’s and women’s parties separately and tonight was only men)
It was nice seeing my daughter and son, my daughter cried a little, I reassured her I was ok, made her laugh telling her it looked like I got a nose job! My nose is now a little smaller because my turbinates were so large when they made them smaller it effected the size of my nose! My SIL was great making sure I was comfortable and encouraging me to eat some frozen açaí ice cream. (since it’s dairy free)
Later my other sister in laws and nieces came to visit. They sat in the dark because I couldn’t stand the light and were very sympathetic. I wrote my thanks on my trusty white board, best thing I bought!
They didn’t stay long and their visit was greatly appreciated.
Later my husband came back with my boys. It was nice seeing them all and reassuring them I was ok.
The first night was terrible. I had convinced my husband and other sister in law that I was going to sleep and I didn’t need someone with me throughout the night. That was a mistake. I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep and it didn’t occur to me to call the doctor and ask him about the pain medicine dosage. The nurses for some reason had decreased the dose and it wasn’t covering it at all. The next day the doctor came and checked on me, he said everything looked great but he increased the dose and asked them not to discharge me until after noon so he could check on me one more time.
He came back, checked on me and discharged me. I went home in pain but grateful to be out of the hospital.
For the next week I used my white board and hand gestures to communicate with everyone, my daughter said; it’s like were living in a charades game. haha. She was the best at it, sometimes I made hand gesture that made no sense but some how she understood what I meant.
I used google translate to speak with my youngest since he can’t read, I’d type something then let google pronounce it for me. I think the first time I did that he was relieved that we could communicate. It was hard not being able to speak to them!
My husband was very supportive, he did dinner, bedtimes, mornings before school, and checked on me while he was at work. The first week I literally did not move from the sofa where I slept sitting up with a travel pillow to keep my head upright while I was sleeping.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday were the same, I slept as much as I could. I waited by the minute for pain meds. I couldn’t eat anything. I barely could manage ice water. I would barely finish 330 ml of water a day. I slowly started eating things like pudding and jello. I could not chew at all. If the food was a little thick in consistency I couldn’t swallow it. Everything felt like it was stuck in my mouth and throat.
Sunday my aunt sent us lunch, Monday my sister in law sent us enough food for three days! I really appricated this, because I really had zero energy even think about what to feed the kids.
Monday night I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep. I messaged my doctor at 5 am and he answers 5 minutes later. He told me the next two day would be the worst and I could increase my dose of opioids from every 12 hours to every 6 hours. That only took the edge away. I was never pain free. But I was exhausted so, I would dose off as soon as the medicine worked. I basically slept all day Tuesday which lead to dehydration because I was barely awake long enough to manage a few small sips which were still painful. I didn’t sleep much Tuesday night; my heart rate was elevated and I couldn’t sleep. I woke up feeling awful and my urine was very dark. I knew I was dehydrated. I messaged my doctor who told me to head to the ER. My husband took me and called my doctor who gave the ER doctor’s instructions to give me steroids to decrease the swelling so I could swallow better, pain meds and fluids via IV. They also did some blood tests to make sure my liver and kidneys were ok. Thankfully everything looked ok and my surgery was healing well. As soon as the meds kicked in a fell asleep on the uncomfortable ER bed. I spent about two hours at the ER then I was discharged. I went home and back to bed.
In the afternoon I asked my son to boil some potatoes for me, he suggested adding carrots, so I thought why not pumpkin too? He puréed them for me and only added salt. It was delicious and lasted three days. I’d eat it at room temperature but at least I was eating something with more nutrients than pudding! Up until Wednesday I was barely eating a little pudding, a small amount of Greek yoghurt and water.
That day I woke up at 2 in the afternoon and made sure I stayed awake so I could drink enough water. I managed 500 mil of water which was a slight improvement, but not sleeping led to me being exhausted and very cranky.
Wednesday evening, my oldest cooked lunch for the next day. it was as simple pea lamb stew. it was super simple to cook because I had precooked and frozen the lamb.
Wednesday night I slept a little better. Thursday was my daughter’s graduation from middle school. (They grow up so fast!) I couldn’t miss the graduation of course. Luckily this year they let the graduates buy extra tickets and we were able to invite her three aunts. It was great having them and it really helped me since I wasn’t feeling well. The graduation was great. I printed a paper explaining that I had just gotten a tonsillectomy and couldn’t speak to greet teachers and mothers with. People all were very sympathetic. By the end of the graduation I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to go home. I went home ate some jello and pudding, took my pain meds and went to sleep. I was exhausted the rest of the day and knew that going to the wedding later that evening later was not an option. Though I did send my daughter with her aunts and she had a great time.
One of my younger brothers came to visit me later that evening. (He came from out of town just to see me! The sweetest brother ever!) When he came I found that I could talk a little! What an achievement! Though the next day I woke up so sore I regretted it. I decided to try not to talk so much.
My older brother and his family came to visit me later Friday after noon. I tried not to talk too much and really enjoyed their company. Friday night I ordered mushroom soup from one of my favorite restaurants, I was ambitious and ordered the Chicken Corden Blu, which I could not eat and my son happily enjoyed. I also had a mango, Greek yoghurt smoothie. I figured smoothies were the way to go for nutrients since I can’t eat. The chicken came with mashed potatoes and gravy, the gravy helped the mashed potatoes not be too sticky so I could swallow it easier. Eating is very difficult, I still can’t chew and swallowing is very difficult and painful, I follow every small mouthful with a drink of water. I feels like I’m not swallowing the food it just sticks to my throat, so I wash it down with water.
Saturday, I had my second bowl movement. It was exhausting but I was relieved to finally have one. Since I haven’t been eating or drinking enough water it’s understandable. In the instructions the doctor gave for post op care he suggested laxatives but I’m hoping I can avoid them. After going to the ER for dehydration I have been trying to finish a liter and a half of water a day. I don’t always succeed but I’m doing much better.
I decide I want to eat and I can’t decide between two soups, I’m afraid they’ll be too spicy and I can’t eat them. My husband suggests I get both, he reminds me that my kids will happily eat anything I don’t. I order from one of our favorite Italian restaurants; lobster soup, mushroom soup, pumpkin risotto and their amazing truffle mashed potatoes I had last week. The lobster soup is great, there is a piece of lobster in it that my husband happily eats. I manage to eat some of the mashed potatoes, some of the risotto and the lobster soup. I leave the rest for tomorrow. Eating was difficult but I was determined to eat. I needed to get better. I can’t believe it’s been a week since I had the surgery and I still feel awful. I never imagined it would be this bad. I never imagined the pain would be even when taking opioids, I would be in pain. He doctors did tell me but I thought I had a high tolerance to pain, which I do, but this is something no one can tolerate. They weren’t kidding.
To Be Continued…
Sleep
I wrote this post a week ago. My surgery was scheduled for May 3rd so if your reading this then I’m supposed to be at the hospital recovering from surgery inshallah.
I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. I used to think that it was part of being a mother and having young children. Which is part of it. But, lately I’ve been sleeping less and the quality has been getting worse. I’ve been waking up sitting upright gasping for air, the way they do in movies after a bad dream. I didn’t think much of it until I went to see an ENT doctor because I felt as if there was something stuck in my throat. She suggested I do a sleep test. She didn’t tell me the thing I felt in my throat were my tonsils! When I didn’t see results with her theory (acid reflux) I went to see a second doctor, he told me my tonsils were very big and that is what I was feeling in my throat! I could also feel them when I breathed through my nose. After my sleep test, they confirmed that I have obstructive sleep apnea and recommended I remove my tonsils. They referred me to a surgeon who specializes in sleep apnea surgery. He started by telling me surgery wasn’t the first solution, until he saw my tonsils! He recommended the CPAP machine, it blows air into your nose to help you breathe while sleeping. He said it it helped me sleep better than the surgery would be the solution. I had tried it during the sleep test and as annoying as it is at first, it helped me sleep so much better! I brought the machine home and I’m still learning to sleep through the night with it. It feels a little claustrophobic, if you know what I mean. The air pressure feels as if you can’t breathe. I’m still adjusting. In the meantime, my sleep seems to be getting worse and I’m walking around sleepy all day. I even dozed off on the sofa early in the evening. I want to do the surgery but my kitchen is being installed this past week finally after 8 months of waiting and I want to organize my kitchen before the surgery. Especially since every single doctor I’ve spoken to has emphasized how painful the surgery is. I’ve accepted that the surgery is necessary and it will be (inshallah) the key to me sleeping well. I’ve realized that this is the reason I need to go back to bed most days after the kids go to school. It’s the reason I am sleepy most days if I don’t get my morning nap and I end up dozing off throughout the day. Like the other day, I was revising with my 5th grader for his social studies midterm exam and I started dozing off and saying nonsense. Then, I gave in and asked him to get ready for soccer practice. I told him I’d revise when he came back, it was still early. I hate that overwhelming feeling of sleepiness. Then, as usual, I was unable to sleep, I may have dozed off a bit. Unfortunately, the CPAP machine isn’t helping. I went to see a specialist who programs them and he programmed it so it starts with a weak air flow and after thirty minutes gets stronger if I need it (which I do) when the air flow gets stronger it wakes me up and I’m unable to go back to sleep. Hopefully the surgery will be the cure and I will no longer need this machine. Until then I will do my best to sleep.
Something I discovered when I first went to see the sleep doctor, was that sometimes sleep apnea can cause irregular heartbeats! Can you imagine after months of doctors’ appointments, MRI’s, blood tests and anything and everything you can imagine this might be the cause! I hope so, hopefully it will go away and I will be able to do without the medicine. It will be nice to workout at the gym without being afraid that I might get dizzy. The human body is such an interesting thing. I think its fascinating how everything is connected and any imbalance can affect everything!
Last Friday, I went to see the surgeon and schedule the surgery. I’m a planner, I like to plan things. It helps me deal with the stress. He remembered me as soon as I walked in; you’re the one with the very big tonsils! Apparently, they are memorable, haha. He checked them again just because I asked and confirmed they were just as big as the last appointment. I told him between midterms and finals I needed to schedule the surgery. So, we scheduled it for next Friday inshallah. My kids will have finished midterms and I’ll have time to heal before finals. I have some social obligations coming up, they are important to me and hopefully the pain will be manageable but I didn’t want to postpone it any longer. I’m really optimistic that this surgery will make a difference.
As the day comes closer, I’m trying my best to prepare for the post operation recovery. I’m trying not to let laundry to pile up, I’ve written an in-detail grocery list and I’ll do the grocery shopping next week. I’ve written a list for this weekend to cook some chicken beasts, mixed lamb, prepare some chicken for oven roasting… things that I can freeze and will make cooking easier. I know I probably won’t be up to cooking the first week, I will pace myself and see.
There was a slight change in my kitchen design (which I’m so excited to share my before and after photos soon inshallah!) So, they haven’t finished yet. After I explained that I had surgery scheduled in a week, they promised to hurry and told me I could start putting things in the cupboards. Which as excited I was to do, isn’t as easy as it sounds. I’ve completely changed the layout and now I’m trying to decide where I want everything. I’m sure I will rearrange things time and again until I like it best. I’m looking forward to the process of loving my kitchen again. Maybe with my new kitchen and better sleep I’ll be inspired to bake more and overcome the baking block.
Clutter
I started writing this post a while back, I admit that I’ve been reluctant to post it because it’s always been something very embarrassing to talk about. I’ve decided to post this because I know I’m not alone, being a mother of young children makes it hard to keep a clean house. It doesn’t make you a slob. they will grow older and it will slowly get easier.
I’ve talked about how having young children makes keeping the house clean impossible, especially when you live with your mother in law and can expect to have people over at any time. I used to be very organized and I’ve always enjoyed organizing. Getting a full time cleaner was life changing for me. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time, working on renovating a couple of rooms for my mother in law. I didn’t have the energy to keep the house clean and laundry folded, I only ironed what was necessary. Hiring her was clearly what I needed. I noticed that when my house was clean all the time, (well as clean as it gets with four young children) I lost my temper less frequently, was angry less, and was more my calm cool self! What a difference a clean house makes! My problem was my messy house was a constant embarrassment. My mother in law would come upstairs and she might comment about the toys on the floor or tell my kids they needed to help me more and that would bother me. (She never meant it to criticize me, she was just trying to help. Though I love her so much, I never liked hearing about my messy house because I was very aware of it and I hated it. Even when my young nephews and nieces came to visit, though they never commented and were probably oblivious to the mess, it bothered me so much. I used to take pride in how organized I was. Especially since I did try, I did make an effort, I had plastic containers for toys I had a book shelf for toy containers, I tried labeling them with photos. (all my kids were too young to read) I even made a chart with all my kids and their cousins names do they could place their name on the toy category they were playing with in hopes it motivated them to pick up after themselves. It didn’t make much of a difference. Some kids cleaned up, some kids didn’t. sometimes the kids were rushed downstairs because the parents were leaving. I didn’t mind having kids over. I love kids and they are well behaved if slightly messy. I understand the joy of dumping a bucket of toys on the ground.
I did learn to set boundaries. When I held parties, I Iearned to lock the bedrooms and only keep a few toys out for the kids who arrived early to play with. I tried my best to keep the house as clean as possible and always celebrated a shiny sink with my YOU friends. I tried all the tips and tricks I could find and I was subscribed to “Fly Lady” and `I admit she helped a lot.
Hiring a full time cleaner made such a difference! I remember the first Eid after I hired her, the night befree Eid, the house was clean, decorated, all the Eid clothes was ironed and the kids showered and put to bed early. It was amazing!
The past couple of years as we started renovating our house, building a third floor and completely changing the house’s layout to accommodate our big family, the house has gotten more and more cluttered.
We have boxes of my husband’s books that he has yet to go through, we have my kitchen things in my “art room” my daughter’s things are spread out between the “art room” my old closet, and the third floor family room. My boys still haven’t completely unpacked because we are still waiting for their new dresser and my eldest’s furniture. I’m trying my best to slowly work through the clutter and organize what I can.
It is frustrating, I hate clutter and I admit that I hate people coming into my home and witnessing this clutter. Even now when its expected with the renovation, I still find it embarrassing.
That was written a while back, I came back to this post during the holy month of Ramadan, (March/April).
The week in Ramadan that I wasn’t fasting (it was that time of the month) I decided to focus on the second floor and make it “box free” I started in the boys’ room, because their closet needed organizing. I moved on to the toy room and the corridor that leads to the boys’ room that has my old closet and some storage cabinets. I got so much done and managed to make the second floor a “box free” zone. Except for my kitchen things and two boxes in my daughter’s room that she has to unpack.
The past week my kitchen was being installed finally after 8 months of living without a real kitchen. My kitchen is almost done and I’ve already started unpacking my kitchen things. It’s hard work but at the same time it’s so satisfying. I can’t wait to finish and then the second floor will really be clutter free!
If you’ve ever moved, or rearranged your house than you know what a relief it is to empty that last box and have your house feel like a home.
Eid; Then & Now
I have been writing this since after the three days of Eid ended. I keep coming back to it, but I only finished it today. I apologize for not posting regular. I’ve been going through some health issues I will post about soon and I’m still stuck in a writing rut. Today is the 11th day of the month of Shawal. Eid is on the first three days of this month.
As another Eid comes to an end, I sit and remember how we celebrated Eid growing up. In the US, we would go to bed early the night before Eid, wearing new “Eid” pajamas and even new underwear. My mom would set out our new outfits to wear the next morning and she even had a new pair of socks in our shoes waiting. We would be so excited to wake up and see what surprises my mother had prepared for us. Eid morning, we would wake up to festive decorations and plates of candies and homemade cookies and ka’ak (cookies filled with dates) We would find a pile of gifts and a goody bag for each of us in the living room, we would hurry to get dressed and go to Eid prayer and the local community center with the Muslim community. Afterwards we would receive candies and money from the adults. Later we would go to a nearby park and have breakfast with friends. There would be games and gifts for the kids. As much fun as we had, we couldn’t wait to go home and open our gifts from my parents. My mom made Eid so special we never felt left out during any of the non-Muslim holidays, we watched our friends and classmates celebrate Christmas, Easter and Valentine’s Day but I never wished we celebrated it too. We understood that we didn’t celebrate these holidays and we had our own special holidays.
When we moved back to Saudi Arabia, Eid was different, the first couple of years my mom had two under two so it was difficult for her, moving to a new country with 6 children, helping us get accustomed to a new world and relearn Arabic. Five of us were in school ranging from middle school to the second grade. My 7th sibling was born during Ramadan. So, I understand she wasn’t able to do the same things she did in the states. As we grew older we started adding our own traditions, my sister, who is the oldest, started making a piñata, she’s the one who taught me how to make one after so many trial and errors. We would try to make games and fun activities for Eid. Our cousins would too. We started a tradition of buying each other gifts, it didn’t have to big or expensive it was the thought that counted. We had a lot of fun with that. We always spent the night at my grandfather’s house and woke up early and had breakfast with all my uncles, aunts and cousins. I always loved how full the house got during holidays. Later in the day we would go to my grandmother to celebrate Eid with my mother’s side of the family.
When I married my husband, I started spending Eid with his family. My family don’t live in the same city so it was hard with young children traveling for Eid. I started learning their traditions; we would all go meet at the Eid Mosque, with my two brothers in law and their families and pray together. We would all go back to our house (since we live with my mother in law) We would have breakfast together, it varied then became a tradition to have fresh lamb’s liver for breakfast. After breakfast, the adults and children would take a nap. (Eid prayer is at dawn so it would still be very early in the day) I didn’t always sleep depending on my kids, as they grew older, their cousins would stay to play while the adults when back home to sleep. They would pretend to sleep and sometimes I would manage to get them to sleep a little. It was Eid and I wasn’t too strict with them. Let them have fun! As my kids grew older we started our tradition of Eid parties. It started as a heart shaped piñata painted by my kids and a tray of cupcakes with chocolate Betty Crocker frosting. Then it became themed parties with decorations and food to match the theme. Sometimes even the games matched the them. It was so much fun to plan and decorate with my kids. The parties were always fun for everyone. I’d wait until after lunch, the adults would take a nap, or sit quietly sipping coffee. I’d take the kids and even the girls in high school would join us. We’d play games and break the piñata then we’d take photos in the photo booth I had prepared with my kids and the props I made myself. I tried to have props matching our theme. Finally, we’d take the desserts and snacks we had prepared usually matching our theme downstairs to share with the adults. It was always so much fun. Over the years the older nieces and nephews grew up and got married and now their children enjoy our parties too. I started a new tradition with my daughter last year. It was so much fun we looked for new ideas for this year. Since a lot of the little girls have grown up and our adults, married or in college; we’ve made games for them too. They are such an enthusiastic fun bunch and they make even the simplest games so much fun. I will try my best to add a description of the games and if I have a Pinterest link of the inspiration behind the game I’ll add that too.
I am so grateful for all the Eids I’ve experienced; past and present. I hope I can continue to make Eid fun myself and everyone around me.
Ramadans of the Past & Present
I have been writing this since the beginning of Ramadan. I keep coming back to it, but I only finished it today.
Today is the 13th day of Ramadan. I’ve been busy and honesty stuck in a writing rut.
I was thinking about my past Ramadans and how different they were from today. In the US, I hadn’t started fasting yet because I hadn’t turned 10 yet and my parents worried that the long days were too much for me. What made Ramadan special for me back then; was going to the mosque and having break-fast (Futoor) with the Muslim community. Everyone would bring a dish or whatever they were able (it wasn’t mandatory) Some of the families volunteered and organized the main dishes. Then, we would sit together and eat and as one big happy family. We would pray together and go home later than our usual bed time.
When we came back to Saudi Arabia, Ramadan seemed much more special, the atmosphere changed, as if there was something in the air. Everyone was fasting, everyone you saw, at school, at the supermarket, on the street would greet you with “Ramadan Mubarak”. All of a sudden, our small Muslim community in the US became an entire country. I’ve spoken about how if you live in a Muslim community you will notice the difference in the general atmosphere during the month of Ramadan. I think it increases when the country is a muslim country. something you will notice is, it doesn’t matter weather you are Muslim or not, you are welcome to all the ramadan tents, with free meals, you are welcome to the tables that are set in front of the mosques. Ramadan is a month of generosity and love and it includes everyone.
When we first came back, you could hear a canon shot at sunset at the army base next door. It was an old tradition to let everyone near and far know that it a time to breakfast. This was way back before microphones were invented. Now you can hear the call for prayer (athan) from the microphones all over the city. We went to school during Ramadan but we started a little later and came home a little early. I’d help my mom with the food preparation. We would occasionally have Futoor with my uncle who lived nearby in UPM. Before the end of Ramadan, we would get the last few days of Ramadan off. My family always went to Taif to spend the rest of the month and celebrate Eid with family. We would stay at my grandfather’s house (May God have mercy on his soul) We would sometimes spend the night at my grandmother’s (May God have mercy on her soul) and on occasion we (the kids) would stay at my oldest uncle’s house with our cousins. I have so many great memories spending our vacations in Taif. Especially during Ramadan. My aunts would encourage us to read Quran, we would pray together as a family at home sometimes. My uncles, would light fire crackers and give us sparklers to hold. We’d wake up before day break to have a light meal and drink water before we started fasting for the day.
The adults would go to Mecca for Umrah and when we were older we would go too. I think that is my favorite part about Ramadan. Experiencing the unity in Mecca, while breaking fast, everyone shares with their neighbors on the tablecloths the mosque workers lay on the floor, the mosque gives out dates and water. Everything is distributed and collected in such a smooth effortless way, so that we can immediately pray Maghreb and continue our Umrah. Praying taraweeh there is just amazing, you feel like you are in Gods hands, the spiritual connection there is like no other. Except maybe in the Prophet’s Mosque in Madinah.
I remember my aunt gathering all the grandchildren in front of the tv to listen to the Imam in Mecca finish reciting the Quran, then he says a special prayer for this occasion. It’s usually on the 29th of Ramadan, because depending on the crescent moon, Ramadan may be only 29 days. I remember how emotional she would get praying with the Imam, I understand now that I’m older. It is such a special time and you pray feeling so vulnerable with so much hope and faith that God will answer your prayers. I like to open the tv and sit with my kids for this prayer. I try to keep some of the old traditions and make my own. I try to sit with them everyday, we read some versus of Quran and read the meaning of these versus. I sit with them individually to recite some versus from memory. I’m lenient and encouraging. I want them to memorize the Quran out of love. It has to be something they want with an open heart. Then it becomes easy.
As a kid I was always excited about Eid and we would wait until they announced if they had seen the crescent moon (which means the next day is Eid and Ramadan has come to an end. Now that I’m older, I always hope for 30 days of Ramadan. That one day does make a difference, one more day of fasting, praying and reading Quran.
I see in my kids that they have found the joy that Ramadan brings, as they grow they understand the spiritual aspect of it more. I look forward to many Ramadans with them and hopefully with their children too.
Exams Week and Life Things
My 5 year old pushing the grocery cart.
I’m sorry I haven’t posted in two weeks, I started witting this post about a month ago. Things have been very busy and I’ve been in a writing rut.
The last two weeks and a half, at least two of my kids had final exams. Between helping the younger one’s study and being supportive and present with the older two, while trying to keep the youngest entertained and maintaining a household and doing the things that mothers do, it’s been hectic. I wake up at 5 to make sure everyone is at school on time and no one is late for their exam. I go to bed late waiting for my older kids to finish studying and making sure they are ready for their next exam. I don’t nap in the day, but do moms ever successfully nap? I’ve attempted once or twice but they ended in a headache and failure so why bother right? The injury in my hand which after and MRI was diagnosed as a cyst, not threating, a little painful, but I’m currently doing physio therapy and was asked to rest my left hand (which is not easy since it’s my dominate hand), which means no upper body workout. Now, going to the gym and taking out the stresses of life there isn’t the same. I can run on the treadmill, I can do lower body workouts, without using my hands. It’s frustrating and it’s not the same. I used to love holding a sand ball over my head and slamming it down. It used to be such a release. I confess that I may have submitted to all the negative feelings. Let it wash over me and maybe drown me a bit. I’ve been angry at my body, why does it keep failing me in one way or another even though I am trying so hard to keep it healthy. Its frustrating. Last week I went to the gym twice, always angry, I don’t talk to anyone, I run/walk on the treadmill and try my best to get all the frustration out so I can go home to my kids calm and collected. My husband has been on multiple business trips the past couple of weeks and though I understand that this is important for his career and I am supportive of that, it has just made the load heavier for me. So, after sitting down with myself the other day, and giving myself a pep talk, I’m going to try my best to go back to my optimistic self, the “I will never give up” mindset. I’ve got this. I will train in every way I can. I will not let tis injury stop me.
The past week my kids were on vacation. I tried my best to balance between pre-Ramadan preparations, normal mom duties and fun activities for the kids. I also had physio therapy three times a week.
I took my 10-year-old, to get his hand checked a week after he fell on it trying to do a double kick. He’s been complaining on and off and refusing to go see a doctor every time I suggested it. I honestly didn’t think anything was wrong or his hand his complaints weren’t consistent and there was no discoloration swelling. I finally decided that his pain was probably just him needing some extra attention, I took him to the ER because there were no orthopedics that treated kids available that morning, the ER doctor asked for an x-ray to my relief. I was a little worried that there was a minor fracture and I was horrible mom not taking him sooner) The x-rays were clear, no broken bones no fractures, everything was normal. The doctor suggested we follow up with an orthopedic doctor if the pain persisted. After the ER visit I took him to the bookstore nearby to find some new books to read, the series he was reading ended and he’s been in a reading rut. Afterword’s we went to the coffee shop next door for brunch (well if you consider ice cream and cookies brunch, haha, but I wanted it to be his day so we broke the rules) the pain in his hand has since disappeared and he hasn’t complained once since. I guess books and ice cream can cure pain sometimes.
I took my daughter to get a haircut, she’s been wanting one for a while and with school there never was any time, I got my hair dyed (those pesky grey hairs needed a cover up) It was nice to have some girl time with her. My youngest is easy to please, I took him grocery shopping and let him push the grocery cart. He likes to ride in the basket with the groceries but with the cyst in my wrist I’m not supposed to strain it. He was happy to push it and didn’t want my help. It was nice giving them each one on one time. Sometimes I’m so busy with everything I don’t seem to have the time. My middle child had friends over on two separate days and went to his friend’s house after soccer, (football) practice. We also had two movie nights at home. (one movie afternoon because who said it has to be night) I didn’t do anything with my oldest but he’s at that age where he’s more independent and we do chat and cook together sometimes. It’s hard finding balance. I also had the plumber come in and finish all the little things that needed to be done, and the electrician came and hooked up my new electric oven. I still don’t have a kitchen but having a real fridge (instead of a mini fridge) and a stove top/ oven had been great. One of my brothers stopped by on his way home after a week off camping around Saudi Arabia. He stayed for two days and we went out and talked it was nice to catchup. Did I mention I also took my daughter shopping for Eid? I don’t like to go shopping during Ramadan. For me Ramadan is supposed to be a relaxed month focusing on praying and worship and connecting with God. I try my best to get everything ready before Ramadan. I’ve even ordered the toys for the Eid goody bags, they arrived on Tuesday. The boys are easier to shop for, I usually order their clothes on line. I’ve got a week to go and still some things to check off my list.
We start school tomorrow and I hope I’ve done enough with the kids that they start the third semester refreshed and recharged. After 11 days of vacation I am exhausted and I’m actually looking forward to school to start so I can have my quit mornings again.
An Unpleasant Subject
This may be an unpleasant subject to write about, but, I think writing about it might help others who might experience this in the future. It’s one of those subjects that’s a little taboo. No one wants to admit they have ever expense with it. I get it, its not something I am proud about but its not a reflection about what kind of person/ parent you are. I bet you have no idea what I am talking about…
If there is anything I dread about school it is the possibility of one of my kids getting head lice. Even though I unfortunately have experience with lice and now I know it is not the end of the world, the first time I experienced it with one of my kids I thought it was!
I have to explain first that I have a phobia from lice. When I was in elementary school in the US, I remember how our teachers used to check the class for lice using pencils. One time, when the teacher checking, she called someone else to check me, then they called me to the principal’s office where I was checked again. They called my parents and my dad came and picked me up. When I go home my mom checked me again. After all this it ended up having dandruff! But that incident stuck with me and ever since I’ve always had a fear of getting lice.
It’s been a habit to check myself and my kids for lice when I honestly wasn’t sure what to look for. Then, my kids started to go to school. For the first four years of school, we were lucky, no lice. Until my daughter tuned 5 and was in kindergarten. She came home and complained that one of the kids poured sand in her hair when they were playing in the playground at school. I was looking in her to see how much sand was in it before giving her a shower when I saw something walk in her hair!! Naturally I was terrified! I gave her a thorough shower, washed her hair with shampoo and hoped for the best. The next day I kept her home from school and took her to our pediatrician, I didn’t know what else to do. I asked him if lice could be so big! He surprised me by answering yes! I was horrified. He checked her hair and told me he didn’t see anything but to keep on the lookout and not to worry, if it was lice it was no big deal, buy the shampoo and make sure you comb out all of the eggs. I freaked out, naturally. I had no experience with lice and I was too embarrassed to ask anyone. My husband was equally embarrassed and asked that my mother in law (who we lived with) not know about the lice. This made it more stressful, how can i keep something from here that was stressing me out so much! I kept my kids upstairs when cousins came to visit and didn’t let anyone upstairs. I felt as if my house was contaminated. I researched on line for natural remedies and gave my daughter a mayonnaise hair mask. Mayonnaise is supposed to suffocate the lice, then after I thought it was long enough I washed it thoroughly and blow dried her hair. Heat is supposed to kill any remaining living lice, right? I admit when I think of what I put my daughter through, I am very embarrassed. A week later, I checked her hair only to discover she still had lice! I cut her hair to make it easier to deal with. (I should say butchered her hair, hair cuts are not one of my strong suits!) I went to the pharmacy bought lots of shampoo, washed her hair and her siblings with the shampoo and used vinegar to help comb out all the eggs. (vinegar helps dissolve the adhesive stuff on the eggs and is said to kill them.) I combed her hair thoroughly, checked my boys and shaved my youngest’s head. He was only a baby and I didn’t want to use the shampoo on him. I continued to use the lice shampoo and checked my kids heads more constantly than before. I bought tea tree oil to dab some behind their ears before they went to school. I read that lice hated the smell. As soon as I found lice in my daughter’s hair I went into super cleaning mode. I washed everything, literally everything even the clothes and bed sheets in the closet. I searched for home remedies and tried a little bit of everything. I added tea tree oil to our shampoo, I found something in my hair and thought it was lice, freaked out, broke down sobbing to my mother in law’s full-time helper. She checked my hair and reassured me that there was nothing there. I read that mouthwash was a good repellant, or it killed the eggs honestly, I forgot. This happened 9 years ago! I made a spray of mouthwash diluted in water and sprayed all the upholstery I couldn’t fit in the washer. I threw away pillows, put everything in the sun. I threw away plushies, except for anything that had sentimental value, that got washed, sunned and stored tightly in bags for months. Luckily in the middle of this my mother in law went away for a couple of weeks so I had the house to myself. I kept my daughter at home from school until I was sure she was lice free and I told her teacher as soon as I confirmed it was lice so she could let the other mothers know. Later, she told me that a couple of mothers confessed that their kids had lice too, why didn’t they say anything before?! They were embarrassed. I told my sister in law (mother of R and K) That same time one of her boys got lice too. A cousin in another city said her boy caught it too from school and she shaved all her boys’ heads! When I spoke up about it I discovered that almost everyone went through this yet no one talks about it. I get it, its embarrassing and disgusting and we feel like its our fault. But it isn’t. It’s not our fault, and lice actually clings to clean hair more easily than oily hair. I think the only reason to be embarrassed is if you are too lazy to pick out all the nits from your child’s hair, or if you send them to school knowing they have lice.
We had another case of lice right before schools shut down because of COVID, when everyone was worried about COVID I was worried about head lice. It was actually a relief that my kids didn’t have to go to school while I dealt with lice. I shaved my youngest’s hair, he was less than two years old. He stil had a little cradles cap and that was my excuse. This time I was more relaxed, I didn’t freak out as much though I may or may not have had myself a good cry in private. I managed to get the lice form the first combing because now I knew that lice shampoo and vinegar are more efficient than mayonnaise and heat.
I may seem more relaxed about the subject, and I am. Although I still worry about my kids catching it from school I’ve learned that its not the end of the world. I’m not embarrassed to talk about it and I hope this post will help mothers who might go through this.
Obstacles
Image by sebastian del val from Pixabay
I like to think of myself as an optimist. I try to accept the hurdles and get over them. I’m always pushing through things, smiling, joking and moving on. This week, I can’t seem to do that, well if I’m honest, I’m doing that on the outside, but on the inside, I’m sad. I feel defeated. I’ve been pushing through at the gym, no matter what I kept going. I pulled a muscle in my back and had to stop going to the gym back in May 2022. I did physical therapy for a month. Then I was back slowly regaining strength. Then in August I started getting dizzy. It took me about 9 months and so many doctors to figure out why I was getting dizzy in the middle of workouts that I had done before with no issues. I have spoken about this period before. I never talked about it in depth because I like to focus on the positive, which is good but sometimes we need to talk about the negative. Sometimes when we hear about someone else struggles, we can relate and it makes us feel normal. I have been seeing so many amazing women on social media who at the ages of 50, 60 and even 70 start their fitness journey, they lose weight, gain strength and it is amazing and inspiring! Yet, at the same time, it can make you feel weak, and unmotivated. How come it seems so easy for all these people, yet it’s so hard for me? How come I have all these hurdles I need to get over while they are slow and steady gaining strength while making it look so easy. While I know their journeys haven’t been easy, I think sometime we need to see that. So here I am telling you it isn’t that easy, we will all have obstacles in our lives that we need to overcome. I went to my orthopedic doctor last Sunday because I had pain in my left wrist for a week and it was getting worse. He told me I had inflamed tendons in my wrist and asked me to give it a rest for a week, while wearing a brace. A week later I can go back to my upper body workouts but I have to go back to really light weights; I will start with one kilogram weights when I was working with between 5 up to 17.5 kg (depending on the workout)! It’s a huge shift and feels like a loss to me. I went back on Tuesday and only walked on the treadmill. I went in Wednesday and did lower body, but it was hard not being able to lift weights with my hands. I pushed on and finished my workout. I will keep going and do my best. I know inflamed tendons need patience so I heal properly. Yes, it is frustrating. That’s not going to stop me. Its ok to feel frustrated, angry, impatient with my body. As long as I don’t focus on tt and move forward. Don’t let it stop you. We’ve got this.
Next Saturday, inshallah, I’ll be doing the Riyadh Marathon 10k with two of my gym friends. This will be my third 10k! I’m proud of where I am. I know that despite everything I’ve gotten so far. I’m not going to let these obstacles stop me. I will keep going. It docent have to be easy. I will keep going.
Milestones
Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay
My youngest is in kindergarten, he is my last kindergartener. With your youngest there are a lot of “lasts” I admit that a lot of ‘lasts’ I won’t miss. Like the “last new born phase” and the “last weaning of nursing”.
Some “lasts” are bittersweet; my last kindergartner. He is growing and becoming more self-dependent. I love that. He still needs me and I love when he hugs me and tells me I’m cozy and fuzzy. It’s a sweet thing he made up it makes me feel like I’m his security blanket: he feels safe in my arms. Every year at nursery, preschool and kindergarten (we call them kg1, kg2 & kg3) the school holds a “grandmother” day. Its tradition for my family to buy a gift and a bouquet of flowers and take my mother in law to school to attend the celebration of grandmothers. It’s always fun watching cute little children dressed up dance and singing and doing cute skits. Last Tuesday was “my last” grandmother day. I was a little emotional as we sat in the school auditorium and the program began. My little boy was growing up so fast! He would be graduating from kindergarten the end of the year inshallah. Next year he will be in the first grade! My last baby! How do they grow so fast!
At the same time, I have been also been very aware that my oldest will graduate from high school next year inshallah! He is already talking about studying aboard. I can’t imagine him moving out! I do want what’s best for him but I really want to keep him at home for at least his bachelor’s degree. If and when he decides to get his masters (I hope) we will cross that bridge when we come to it. He has been away for a week or two taking courses abroad, but that was different because I knew he would be home soon. Even then, I did miss him and remembered him when I did the grocery shopping, I didn’t get his favorites that no one else likes and when I make dinner. He’s the only one that likes mushrooms other than me so I don’t bother buying or making anything mushroom while he’s gone. His room seems so empty! Especially when I walk through it to get to his cats to check on them and care for them. They become especially clingy when he’s gone. They miss him too.
When he decided to keep his cat’s kittens, after we agreed we’d give them up for adoption, he told me he’d take them to his place when he moved out for college. It made it seem so real! He was already thinking about moving out! I know we need to let them go and grow and become adults. They will not be our little babies forever even though we will always see them that way. It’s not easy, but I know I have to accept that he’s growing up and is slowly becoming so independent. He has changed so much the past couple of years and matured so much! I am so proud to be his mother! I can’t imagine not having him live with us but I know one day that day will come. I can’t keep him close in my arms and protect him from everything forever, though I wish I could. I wish I could create a forcefield that protects him from all bad and evil. I wish I had a drone following him around. (Though he says that would be considered stalking haha) As a Muslim I do have my faith in God that He will protect my children. There are many prayers we say to protect us and our loved ones from all harm. It is such a comfort to have these prayers that I say in the morning and at night to protect my family. I know as a parent, I do my best to raise my kids to be smart, mature people. I want them to learn how to interact with other people, with strangers. To know how to be safe and protect themselves. I hope I will achieve that balance between street smart but not paranoid. Sometimes the world seems so scary.
So as I am ticking off so many “lasts” off my motherhood list, I am also ticking off so many “firsts” with my oldest. I try to cherish these moments as I am reminded that these crazy busy days I have will soon be empty as my kids slowly grow up and move out. I wish them all the success in the world, and that hopefully they will find success nearby so they can visit me often.
Mom Guilt
There are so many types of mom guilt, it’s different for every mom, it’s different with every stage of childhood.
There’s the mom guilt when you have a tiny newborn and you put him down for a minute to go to the bathroom and he cries. I’m sure we have all held a baby while sitting on the toilet at one point in our children’s lives. There is the mom guilt because you need to wean your baby (whether it’s from breastmilk or a bottle or a sippy cup… it’s so hard yet necessary. There is the mom guilt when they start school and you eventually have to give in and let them cry while you leave. You know they will stop crying as soon as you leave but it still breaks your heart to see those tears. There’s the guilt of giving an unbalanced unhealthy meal because you are exhausted or they are cranky or both. They are all little things that will have no significant impact on your child yet it still keeps you up at night sometimes.
Then as they grow older there is a different kind of mom guilt. The guilt for not putting them in summer programs that will help develop their skills and become professional programmers at 10. Not making the most of the “good weather” whenever that may be on your side of the planet, and taking them out to play in the sunshine and cool breezes. Not taking them to swimming lessons or soccer or whatever it is they are interested in or you aspire them to become.
The other day the school sent us a photo of one of the students who had won the bronze medal in an educational competition. I honestly have no idea what it is about yet I felt that mom guilt.
Why didn’t I read about it and enroll my kids? Why aren’t my kids winning medals? I used to be more active. What happened? The guilt has been gnawing away at me. I try not to let it get to me. I was happy for the child who won. I congratulated the parents. It just makes me feel like I’m failing as a mom. But it shouldn’t.
I need to remind myself that before COVID we were doing too much and I was one of the few that was relieved when they put us on lock-down and we couldn’t go out. At the beginning it was a blessing. I was so burnt out. I’m not saying I enjoyed the pandemic. I didn’t! I’ve talked about it here and here. But I’m reminding myself that I was that mom that had my kids doing so many things. Then COVID shut everything down. We had two years of distance learning. Then I had two years of long stressful renovations. I’m human! As super as I may seem sometimes to everyone around me, I don’t have any super powers.
So, I’m trying to accept that my kids are doing fine. I see their success in the small things. I know they are intelligent and doing well in school. They each show me every day how smart they are. As they grow, they are showing interest in specific subjects and developing new skills. They are choosing their own after school activities. I am not holding them back in anyway and I know they will be fine even if I don’t cram every second of their free time with educational activities. Maybe, they are better off with some time off to enjoy their childhood, they are still children after all.
I know that even after I’ve written this, and I do mean every word, I will still feel that I’m not doing enough and that maybe my kids should be doing more.
So, I’m here to remind myself and all the mothers who are feeling guilty too; that its ok. We are doing our best. As long as our children are growing and learning and figuring out their own path to knowledge. We shouldn’t feel guilty. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Every child is unique. We just need to be there to encourage, guide and sometimes push when they need a push.
Tuwaiq Trail Race
Photo of the sunrising behind Tuwaiq Mountain
I first heard about Tuwaiq Trail Race in Novermeber 2022 after it took place. It is an ultra-marathon (50k), half marathon and10k Trail Race on Tuwaiq Mountain. It seemed like such an amazing race and I immediately planned to join next year. When I looked at videos of the past race, it seemed like it took place way up high on the top of the mountain. Very beautiful but at the same time, a little scary. You see, I’m afraid of heights, but I’ve been trying to over come this fear. I have done many things out of my comfort zone and I’m not as afraid as I use to be. So, for about a year, I dreamed and worried about completing this race. In February 2023, I completed my first 10k race. It felt great reaching the finish line and reciveing my medal. Especially after a year of dizziness and health issues.
As the date to Tuwaiq race grew closer, I began to doubt myself, could I complete it? How would I go alone? Would it be too high up? I told my personal trainer (and friend) about it and she encouraged me to sign up, she wanted to sign up too and we started planning for the race. I was so excited. As soon as they opened registration for the race, I signed up, my friend wasn’t sure she could sign up because she might have to work that day. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to sign up, but if it wasn’t for her, I would have never signed up. Then I heard from the founder of RWG that this year the 10k race wasn’t going to be as highup as last year. Wen I heard that I was a mix of relief and disappointment because I was looking forward to challenging myself. When I signed up for the race, I also signed up for the bus service, since Tuwaiq Mountain is a little over an hour drive from my house.
As the day came closer, I became more nervous, I even dreamt that I overslept and missed the race! The day before the race I made sure I rested and ate well, because I prefer to exercise on an empty stomach. I could barly sleep and maybe slept for an hour, I made myself a cup of coffee at 3 in the morning and got dressed for the race. My husband dropped me off at the bus station and I got on the bus with one of the lovely RWG members. It was great to have someone familiar to sit with on the drive there. This group is great, even though we’d never met before, it felt like we were old friends. She was doing the 21k! We arrived, prayed Fajir (morming prayer) dropped off our bags and started warming up for the race. She started before me so I continued to warm up until it was time for the race. We had the pleasure of watching the sunrise behind the mountain. it was such a beautiful sunrise! One I will always remember. The weather was crisp and cold but not too cold, I knew as soon as we started the race I would warm up. The atmosphere was very exciting. Everyone was preparing for the race, warming up, stretching. I found two other lovely RWG members and we stood at the starting line together. We counted down together and everyone was off! I walked at my own pace, my goal was not to be last! Haha so I didn’t mind being slower than so many. After walking a short distance we left behind the starting point, with the loud music and people cheering. The desert was so peaceful and beautiful I couldn’t help stopping every once and a while to admire the beauty and take some photos.
The atmosphere was very friendly, at one point a lady tripped and fell, I had alcohol swabs and badaids with me, I stopped to see if she was ok thankfully. I almost fell, someone behind me cheered me on; “I didn’t fall” I said. I think I was reassuring myself more than him. Let’s race! He suggested, I told him I’d catch up as soon as. I caught my breath.
Towards the end, the finish line seemed like a mirage. It seemed to move farther as I walked closer. I was getting tired but I moved on. As I got closer to the finish line I could hear them cheering me on, I could hear my name! That gave me the boost I needed. Crossing the finishing line felt great! I did it! I finished my first tail race. Despite all the doubts and fears, I overcame everything and made it! It felt great! I am so proud for myself and I’m planning on training for the half marathon next year in Tuwaiq inshallah.
Blossom
I’ve been thinking about my word for 2023; “Balance” I think, I’ve made a lot of progress in finding balance in many aspects of my life, I’m not 100% there, but who is? I see the difference it has made in my life and I will continue to move forward always trying to find balance.
As we enter 2024 I have been thinking about my word for this year. I have been thinking about what I have achieved and what I hope to accomplish by the end of the year. I have my list on a personal level, and as a mother, I have hopes and dreams for my kids that I hope to help them achieve.
For example, my 10 year old hasn’t been in any after school activities since the pandemic, we are trying to find something he will enjoy to get him more active with kids his age. My youngest, still doesn’t speak Arabic the way I’d like, I want to read more books to help him become more fluent in Arabic. I think I need to spend more time with my kids individually. The past couple of years, with renovations and health issues I wasn’t as present as I’d like. It’s funny, and maybe some will think old fashioned, but I think the kitchen, and meals connected us more. Hopefully, after my kitchen finishes, we will cook more together and eat our meals in the kitchen like we used to. My oldest will be graduating from high school in 2025 inshallah. even typing it makes me emotional. We are trying our best to help prepare him for college and the real world. Guiding him while giving him the space to choose his own path. They really do grow up so fast!
I’ve talked about my list and how as my kids grow older, and become more independent I’m finding more time to focus on myself and I have been changing. It’s finally spring after a long winter of early motherhood, and raising five children! I’m at a place where I’m rediscovering myself and finding myself after losing myself to motherhood. I’m finally blossoming in the spring of my life.
I think the word blossom is appropriate for this year, as I continue to find myself, and help my kids grow and blossom too. According to the Cambridge dictionary, “When people blossom, they become more attractive, successful, or confident, and when good feelings or relationships blossom, they develop and become stronger”
I think it works for my house too, post renovation, as I put the finishing touches on it.
I also need to work on my social life, I need to make a bigger effort to reconnect with friends and family and hopefully my relationships will blossom too. I have unintentionally isolated myself, I know I was too busy and exhausted for too many social obligations but, as my kids are growing, I have more time and energy. I will work on it.
I know I will really need to focus and make an effort and hopefully I’ll be closer to being me by the end of the year.
End of the Year Reflections
The year is coming to an end and soon it we will welcome 2024. I think it has been a good year for me, my husband & our family. I’ve accomplished a lot as a mother, an interior designer and an individual. I’ve learned that my husband’s achievements are my achievements too. We are a team and everything we each achieve as an induvial, is an accomplishment to both of us because, we couldn’t have done it without each other’s love and support.
I won’t talk about my accomplishments as a mother in detail, but don’t we take those little milestones for granted? We never give ourselves credit for our children’s’ success and growth! My kids are growing into wonderful little humans and I’m so proud of them. I’m in awe at how fast they are growing! My oldest is now the tallest in the family mashallah and such a kind, smart, ambitious person. How is he not my little baby who I used to let sleep in my arms while I watched him sleep amazed at how this little human grew in my belly and was all mine. How is my daughter almost my height, with that beautiful smile, so hardworking, always insisting she goes to school no matter how sick she is, she can’t miss a lesson. She is so talented; her latest hobby is making things with clay and with the encouragement of a teacher has her own Instagram where she hopes to sell her creations. My middle son, so sweet and caring, he’s our athlete, he goes to soccer camp twice a week and loves soccer (I mean football, he will always correct me, haha) My fourth is very sensitive, yet so strong. He has always been in a hurry to grow older, he was the youngest for 5 years and still feels like he needs to grow faster. He actually said: “I’ll finally be 10 in January and my age will finally be two digits!” He has tried to be independent since he was so young. My youngest, is 5, he’s learning so much at school and has such headstrong opinions! I don’t like to call him stubborn. He really knows what he wants and you can’t persuade him otherwise, he does listen when I need to put my foot down about something, but I try to discuss things with him and convince him. “Because I said so” never works. As hard as it is to be a mother to so many age groups; high school, middle school. Elementary school. Kindergarten) It is very rewarding and worth it all. As one of my YOU friends say: “How lucky am I?!”
I’ve spoken about our last renovation and how I connected with my kids through this project. We still haven’t finished all the details, and my kitchen and the moment is just a room with tables and a mini fridge, but the end is near.
I finished my first 10k in February. In November, I finished my first trail race. I’ve hit some goals at the gym, I’m so proud of where I am. I do have my personal trainer to thank for all of her encouragement and support, especially during the dizzy spell. With her help, I never gave up even when I wanted to she didn’t let me, we kept tweaking my workouts and switching things up to make it work until the doctors finally gave me some answers and I’m slowly getting better and finishing workouts without any dizzy spells.
I’ve read 16th books and I’m on book 16! (not counting the multiple books I’m in the middle of) I threw my kids an “Among Us Party” I threw an “Under the Sea” party for Eid Al Fitr. I was realistic and didn’t host Eid al Adha, since we were in the middle of renovating and things were chaotic! We had some fun, went away for a weekend, took the kids on a week trip in the middle of the renovation and all the chaos (I will post about that soon) were more spontaneous, spent a day and a night in Madinah on the most important night of Ramadan. Went on an 11 day trip, that was the most laid back relaxed trip we’ve ever been on. I will post about that too, soon)
I’m different then I was at the beginning of the year. I’m better at finding balance in my life. (That was my word for 2023) I’m taking care of myself more while caring for everyone else. I’m getting better at delegating, I’m realizing that when they say it takes a village to raise a child, its ok to let that village help you. I’m grateful I have the love and support of my husband’s family & my family.
So, as 2023 comes to an end, with all its good, bad, and everything in between. As I reflect on my life, where I am and where I want to be. I will continue to look for balance, think of a new word for the new year. I will continue to add things to my list, while checking things off it. I will do my best to help my children grow and blossom into young adults while I continue to learn and blossom too.
I hope and pray the new year brings me, my loved ones and the entire world; love, prosperity and peace.
Let us welcome 2024 with open arms and the optimism that this year will be better for humanity.
Humanity
Image by 🆓 Use at your Ease 👌🏼 from Pixabay
I can’t seem to move on, how can I continue to live and speak of my struggles as a mother when my struggles seem so small and insignificant compared to what the mothers living in war and fear are going through. They have lost everything, their homes and all their belongings, no warm clothes, blankets, essential sanitary supplies… They have lost most if not all their family. They don’t know how or if they will be able to feed their hungry children, they can’t bathe them or even help them brush their teeth. The most basic of needs are not available for them. Yet, here we are, safe, warm, our hunger satisfied. Then we talk about our struggles! What struggles? I know I am so blessed and I have never taken that for granted but now there is such a heavy guilt, I can’t just keep living, I need to talk about, write about it, spread awareness. It’s the least I can do. We are not better than them, we are not above them, in reality they are better than us. They have shown the world the true meaning of strength, of resistance, of faith, of love. They have shown us what a community really looks like. The way they support each other, help each other. I have not seen conflict or hate between them, people share and are so generous, even though they don’t have enough for themselves they still insist on sharing with anyone and everyone. They help the injured and elderly, they care for all the young children. There are so many orphans, some who are the only remaining person of an entire family and yet they are not alone they have an entire community.
I think as devastating as this war has been, it has taught the world many important lessons. It has also helped others speak up and open our eyes to other countries who are also going through war, enslavement and devastation. It is so heartbreaking to think that in this day and age, we still live with this type of oppression.
In 2020 during the pandemic, the entire world was going through the same pandemic, we all had the same virus to fight. We all had the same problems, same issues to resolve. I was optimistic that after the pandemic brought the world together, we would live in more peace and harmony. Unfortunately, greed is still winning. We need to conquer greed in order to live peacefully together. How sad that greed is conquering humanity.
The Connection of Motherhood
Photo by Shane Rounce on Unsplash
I try to keep living. To go through the motions. To be there for my kids. To run my errands and do my chores. School runs, laundry, homework, dinner… I’m going through the motions, but there is a constant ache in my heart. A guilt that follows me. We are safe, we are warm, we have a roof over our heads. We have clean water and food is plentiful. Things I have never taken for granted but, somehow now it seems wrong to have all this. I try not let the guilt hold me. I try to keep living. I will never forget. I will think of them every day. I will do whatever I can to support those in need. This week was a blur I couldn’t seem to write anything. Not my normal blog posts. It doesn’t seem right. I’ve said my blog is not a political blog. It’s about motherhood and the connection all mothers of the world have. I think as mothers we feel it the most now. Watching mothers with empty arms mourning the loss of their babies. Watching children so young losing their entire family. It’s too much to bare yet they are baring it with strong faith and brave hearts such as I’ve never seen.
So today, instead of posting as usual, I will dedicate this post to all the mothers with empty arms and all the babies without moms.
Eleven Days
Photo by Kaur Martin on Unsplash
Eleven days are the number of days I was away from my kids and my home. I’ve never left my kids longer than 3 days, even when I gave birth they would visit me every day and I never stayed more than 3 nights.
We have been planning this trip for a while, and by planning, I mean researching options without any definite decision of when or where. We knew we would be in Germany for three days for something work related for my husband. My husband let me choose our destination before that. If you know me you will have already guessed that I chose Italy.
I have to admit that when I think about how long I have been feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and burnt out… it’s been a long time. The pandemic was very hard on me (like so many people around the world) I talk about it here and here. After the pandemic a series of unfortunate events led to us starting a, major renovation outside, inside and adding a floor to our house. Then this past summer we started a second major renovation to the second floor plus my mother in law’s kitchen and laundry room. There are a lot of other little and big things in between. I guess I’m trying to justify my need to go on vacation without my kids. I admit I know I needed it but I still felt guilty. With everything happening around the world, that added to my guilt. How could I go on vacation and have fun when so many people were living in fear, homeless and cold? I knew that my vacation would not add to their misery, yet I couldn’t help feeling guilty. I reminded myself that we were going on a business trip to justify to myself too. I know the guilt effected my ability to plan.
Something a friend told me helped me feel better about going, she told me: you are making everything your responsibility, you are doing everything yourself because you want everything done your way. Which is true, it’s easier and faster if I do things myself and it is done my way which of course is the right way. I am slowly letting go of how things should be done. I’ve come a long way but I still have a long way to go.
My friend’s aunt had passed away recently (may God have mercy on her soul) and she told me: my aunt used to do everything for her kids, she did everything for the household, not because she had to but because she wanted to. As a result, when she passed way, we didn’t know how her kids would manage. Her daughter being the youngest, had never been grocery shopping, never cooked, even though she’s in college. Now, she goes grocery shopping and cooks and does everything herself. Life goes on and they are all fine. She made me realize I didn’t need to be this exhausted. Even though, I grew up in a large family were we each of us were responsible for certain chores and for ourselves, I washed and ironed my own clothes, I went to bed early and woke up early. My mother didn’t have to nag me. I did so much growing up that I never even asked my kids to do. Why? because it’s easier to get things done myself; my way. I realized how wrong I was, I need my kids to be more responsible and more capable. To depend on themselves. Not only for school work and studies but, also for day to day life. So, I made a decision before I left on my trip, I would slowly start teaching them life skills, starting with doing laundry. We have an automatic washer that is pretty easy to use. I made a video showing how to use our washer, and sent it to my two oldest. I told them even they were staying at home and their grandmother would willingly do their laundry, it was unnecessary. They both did their laundry and never asked their grandmother to once. My oldest loves to cook, I made sure I stocked up the freezer for them and he would make dinner for him and his sister every day. One day he called me to ask if his siblings could spend the night: I want to cook dinner for them and I’ll put them to bed and wake them up for school. I was so proud of him for taking the responsibility upon himself. I told him though, his aunt was in charge and he needed to speak with her. The gesture was enough for me. I am very proud of how responsible my two oldest have shown me they are. I am glad my three youngest were good and didn’t give their aunt any trouble, the two older boys also helped with their youngest brother without asking. Their aunt says they were all a great help, even her boys.
I have not gotten over the jet lag and exhaustion of the last three days of our trip (that is a post of its own) but I decided before I left on vacation; that I was going to change the way I did things for my kids.
I know I have added too many unnecessary responsibilities to my already overflowing plate. I know now that reaching that level of burnt out was mostly my own doing. I will not let myself get there again.
I have felt as if I wasn’t the mother I used to be because I didn’t have the energy or the desire to all the little things I used to do with my kids.(maybe not little) like baking on the weekends so the kids had easy breakfast options and snacks for school, like making pancakes or waffles every Friday (it was tradition) like taking the kids out to the zoo, or a park, or to visit someone, like doing science experiments or art projects, like the summer bucket lists that my younger kids don’t even remember...
I know that renovations and other circumstances having taken a lot of my time and energy. I shouldn’t take for granted how much work I do other than just be a mom. Though let’s be honest, just being a mom is a lot by itself. I was also giving myself unnecessary responsibilities when it came to my mother in law and in laws, I have been slowly letting go of them. I don’t do all the things I used to and believe it or not; the earth hasn’t stopped turning! We really do put too much pressure on ourselves, thinking we have to, when we don’t.
Recently, when I fill out an application or a form for a race, if they ask if I work, I say yes. If they ask if I work part time or full time I choose full time. We are used to considering mothers as unemployed because we don’t get payed for all our work but I think we need to change that. first of all, we work full time. Second, even if we don’t have a paying job in addition to our job as a mother, our support helps our partner make succeed at their job and make money so that should count too!
So, after 11 days of relaxed slow-paced days, that allowed me to recharge, reset and reflect on how my life was going and how I want it to go: I am home. Back to my sweet children’s arms full of love and joy.
It is good to be home.
Now it is time to make little changes so I hold on to this renewed energy. I never want to feel they way I did before this trip ever again.