October 25th
A couple of weeks back, I was going to post something on Instagram. I started by simply wanting to post a photo of the flowers I bought myself, something I started doing when I realized I didn’t need to wait for someone to buy me flowers. Then since I had bought some pink roses with my orange lilies. I thought I would post about breast cancer awareness. I started going through the hashtag on Instagram. I found a lot of posts from cancer survivors. They said seeing all the posts about cancer awareness was a trigger for them and difficult to be constantly reminded.
I think I understand. Cancer is such a difficult disease. I have never had cancer but my husband’s nephew R (our son by milk) was diagnosed with cancer in April 2021. He was 11 at the time. It was a very difficult time for everyone close to him. Both families are very close and we see each other at least once a week. There were times when they would come back from school to our house every day.
When his mom called me and told me they found “something” in his lungs. I still remember all the details, I was in café with my husband. The kids were still doing distant learning. Elementary studied in the afternoon. My husband had the day off and we snuck out for a cup of coffee while the kids were in their classes. I’m glad I wasn’t at home when she called me. I took her phone call not expecting to hear those words. I didn’t understand. I had so many questions but I didn’t ask. She didn’t have any answers. They wanted a second opinion. She said they probably wouldn’t be coming over later. (It was a Thursday then end of the week\start of the weekend for us. They usually came over.) I hung up and my husband looked at me concerned. What was wrong? I told him I don’t know. I tried telling him. We decided to leave. I started crying in the car. My husband tried to reassure me when he wasn’t sure himself.
The next week was a blur, making an appointment at a different hospital. Taking the x rays and CT scan from the first hospital. The first hospital had said it might be an infection, it gave us some hope. The second hospital was a larger government hospital. They transferred him to the children’s cancer hospital, they said it was obviously a mass in the lungs, they needed to take a biopsy and make sure if it was benign or not. Waiting was hard. We tried to just get through each day by day. The day we found out it wasn’t benign, I went to a room by myself and sobbed. I cried and cried until my oldest sister in law. (she’s a doctor) called me, looking for me. She had come over to tell my mother in law and m the news in person. I told her I was crying. She told me not to come until I was done. She understood I needed to cry. But we needed to be strong in front of my mother in law. I knew I needed to get all the emotions and tears out. I need to be strong for my sister in law (R’s mother), my mother in law, and my kids.
Telling my kids was so hard. My older kids had a vague idea what cancer was, they mostly thought that cancer meant death for sure. I explained to them that, cancer was a disease like any other disease and God had the power to heal. We needed to keep our faith in this difficult time. I let them ask questions and I held my daughter as we cried together. Each of my kids cried at different times throughout the six months. It is so hard for adults, so can you imagine children dealing with this!
K, R’s brother (also our son by milk) showed so much strength, but he also had his moments. I am still in awe at R and how he dealt with everything. He had his moments, naturally, but he was amazing. He has dealt with this entire journey so well. They both have their mom to thank, she is an amazing mom. She has shown so much strength. She helped them through this. She knew how to deal with each difficult moment. I have learned so much from her.
The next six months were hard. I tried to take K, R’s brother whenever I could. I would take my kids over to visit him when he didn’t feel like coming to our house while his brother and mother were hospitalized. When R started losing his hair his brother K shaved his head and then my two oldest boys asked me to shave their heads too. It was such an emotional time. I was so proud of my kids for being so compassionate. and supportive of their siblings.
There are so many details that I remember. But I don’t want to write about them. You see I understand when cancer survivors say cancer awareness posts are triggering for them. Looking back at my photos from those long six months is triggering for me. I know technically I’m not R’s mom. That didn’t make it any easier. Being on the sidelines, trying to be supportive and helpful but not pushy or intrusive. Being there, but giving them space. Helping my kids cope, coping on my own. Being optimistic and keeping faith. Honestly the main thing that helped that period was my faith. I trusted that God would heal R. The journey was still was hard. It was so much harder for R and his family, but honestly, we are one family. We were the only people who visited them when R’s immune system was strong enough. We’d wear masks and try our best to get the kids to keep their distance. We celebrated every single milestone: (half way done/second to last chemo/finishing chemo/ getting clear x rays! Each milestone was a reason to celebrate. I still remember the day he came home from the hospital after his last does of chemo. (October 6th) We surprised him with balloons and celebrated together. I remember hugging his mom as we sobbed together, tears of relief and joy.
Every appointment since is a mini celebration. Even over a year later, there are so many mini milestones, going back to school, his 6 month checkup, his portal removal…
Having cancer during the pandemic made it harder. He went back a year after his peers. His brother did too so he wouldn’t risk getting sick from school and R catching it. The thought of him catching COVID was scary. Again, our faith in God was so much help. Here we are a year since he finished treatment, since we found out he is cancer free. His next appointment is in December. We are optimistic. We have our faith in God.