Balance

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

So, I’ve been reading a lot of YOU friends, talking about their “word” for 2023. I never really thought about choosing a word for the new year. We actually go by the lunar calendar so this isn’t really a new year for us. But, since the world has become one big village in a sense, we also go by the Gregorian calendar. I like the idea of choosing a word. I look it as a goal, something to motivate you. To make the new year better. I did a lot of thinking. Told my husband about the concept. Asked him to choose a word. He chose “optimism” I think it’s the perfect word for him. He already is an optimistic person. It’s one of the things I love about him.

I did a lot of thinking. I’ve been trying really hard to find balance in my life. I’ve been thinking, if I wanted to choose a word for this year, I would choose balance.

Balance is important. It’s important in all aspects of life, you need balance raising your kids. Don’t spoil them but don’t be too strict. You need to balance eating healthy while occasionally indulging in a few treats. You need to balance taking care of everyone while taking care of yourself. It’s not easy though. Especially the last one. You need to watch out when you're taking care of everyone else so that you don’t burn yourself out. Then you won’t have any energy for yourself.

I need to learn to balance between all my different responsibilities and myself. I’m always putting myself last. I’ve come a long way. YOUapp has helped me a lot, there are so many small things you can do that can make such a difference. Like delegating, before YOUapp, I didn’t know how to delegate. I had to do everything myself, which is impossible! I’ve come a long way.

I’m still rediscovering the parts of me that I lost. Last week, I was at the mall, I passed by a make up shop. A place I rarely go to. I saw an entire section for eyebrows products, something I know nothing about. I remember how much I used to love makeup. I rarely wear make up now. I don’t know why I stopped. I also have been feeling drained and avoiding human interaction, I am around people all the time so I rarely get some time to myself. I also long for friends. I do have friends, but only two live in Riyadh and I rarely see them. I wish I have gym friends, but I know it’s my fault I don’t have any. I used to go to the gym to get away from everyone and be by myself, but now I wish I had someone to motivate me when I need a push, to talk to in-between workouts. To send funny gym memes and Instagram reels that nobody I know can relate to. Is that too much to ask?

I admit I did go through a part of 2022 focusing on myself a little too much. But not in a good way. I was going through some health issues. Nothing major. I just started getting dizzy at the gym during my workouts with my personal trainer. I’ve mentioned how important the gym is to me. At first, we thought; maybe I didn’t sleep enough (do I ever though?) maybe I didn’t eat enough, maybe I’m just exhausted. But, it didn’t make any sense. I was doing even more intense workouts earlier in the year while being sleep deprived, exhausted, forgetting to eat… and I was fine! We thought maybe I have low iron. So many maybes…

I won’t go into detail. This led to a long 6 months of blood tests, MRI’s and x rays. This all was very stressful. Thankfully, they couldn’t find anything wrong. Except for a slight deficiency in sodium and calcium. So, they gave me supplements. During all that, I was exhausted from all the doctor’s appointments that just lead to more questions while they tried to discover what was wrong. I even went a month without coffee or chocolate, my two favorite things! The physical and mental exhaustion didn’t leave much energy to be present with my kids. I was there. I was up in the morning when they got ready for school, I picked them up, made them dinner. Followed up on homework. But I wasn’t very present. I was so distracted with the what “if’s” and “maybe’s”. I’m not a pessimistic person but you can’t help worrying when the doctors give you so many hypotheses.

I think what made it harder was that, the gym, the place I went to when I needed to recharge or get rid of negative energy, was the cause of this all. I couldn’t stop going to the gym, but when I went, I get so frustrated when I got dizzy.

Everything became overwhelming, my 8-year-old was having trouble adjusting to his new school. I did everything I could. I knew he needed to see his old friends more but socializing was overwhelming. If anyone got sick, it was overwhelming, I didn’t want to go to the hospital anymore. If they had midterms, finals, dentist appointments, orthodontist appointments, eye checkups. Everything was a challenge. I didn’t tell anyone though. I couldn’t. I’m strong remember? This is silly, I’ve been doing this all for so long. I can do this right?

Writing this is hard. It’s making me realize how hard it was for me, I did it alone because that’s how I deal with things. I never told anyone about my dizzy spells. Expect for my husband and oldest sister in law who is a doctor. They were both supportive, they just didn’t realize how much this was affecting me.

During finals week, I got the last of the blood tests, everything was normal! I remember I needed to go to the cardiologist but I didn’t have time, his clinic was only in the evenings and I needed to be home for the kids. So, I made a video call appointment with a cardiologist I didn’t know, he read my file and listened to my story, he told me he thought it was a mineral deficiency. He told me I needed to drink more fluids, not just water. I thought what he said made sense. I started drinking juice in the morning, a vitamin drink, electrolytes during my workout. I’m still taking supplements too.

I’m much better thankfully, with an occasional dizzy spell. Not anywhere near as bad as before.

I’m more present now with my kids. (Just in time for midterms) I’m trying my best to give them individual time. Trying to be there for each child and making sure they feel heard. I finally took my daughter shopping, just the two of us. I took my two middle boys out to meet up with a friend.

If anything, I’m getting so good at making sure I have gym time, at least 3 times a week. 

Sunday, I went during the hour between when my daughter gets home before my boys come home from school. I managed 4k on the treadmill. Not bad. I’m glad I went. I didn’t have time to work out afterward and I was too tired after they were all in bed.

I haven’t found balance in everything yet but I’ll get there.