Miscarriage

There is a sensitive subject I’d like to talk about that I feel isn’t talked about openly enough. I want to share my stories because it really helped me when I was going through this and I read other woman’s stories.

I’ve been through two miscarriages. One missed miscarriage & one blighted ovum.

This happened after I had already had 4 healthy pregnancies and children with no major issues. It never ever occurred to me that this could happen to me. I never realized how much it hurts to lose a baby so tiny. Most people don’t realize this either. I think you need to actually go through this to truly understand the pain.

When I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time, I was over the moon! I was so happy I wanted to shout over the roof tops: I’m pregnant! I couldn’t believe it!  We had been putting off getting pregnant again until things settled down with four kids. I had a really bad case of baby fever. For some reason, we decided to keep the pregnancy a secret. We usually tell my parents, my MIL, my sister and sisters in law. I don’t know why we made this decision but it made going through the miscarriage easier for me. I’m not a very open person about my feelings. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t know...

I was 6 weeks along, since this was our 5th baby I didn’t ask my husband to come to my appointment. I didn’t expect to have an ultrasound and expected it to be a routine visit. The doctor said let’s do a quick ultrasound to check on everything. Naturally I was eager to see my baby. When we started she was quiet and I waited for her to say something. She said she couldn’t see a heartbeat but maybe it was too early. She said maybe you miscalculated your dates. I knew I hadn’t miscalculated anything but I thought 6 weeks was early. So, I wasn’t very worried. I told my husband let’s wait until we see the heartbeat to tell our parents so the pregnancy remained a secret.

I went in again at 8 weeks. I didn’t ask my husband to come with me because I wasn’t expecting any bad news I was very optimistic. I wanted to save him taking time off work for an ultrasound farther along when the baby was bigger maybe to see the gender together!

When I went in for the ultrasound the doctor was very quiet. I asked her if there was a heartbeat and she said no. She tuned up the volume and I heard the silence of my womb. It was the loudest silence I had ever heard. My doctor asked me to go see the ultra sound tech for a vaginal ultrasound because it was so early the baby was too small. I felt nervous but went to the ultrasound tech hoping for the best. The ultrasound tech was also very quiet. When I went in to see my doctor she told me there was no heartbeat. I was completely caught off guard and so shocked by the news. I didn’t believe it. I told her maybe it was too early. Maybe the baby was too small. Maybe they were wrong! She said: come back in a week and we’ll check.

I remember leaving her office in tears. She was so sweet and tried to comfort me. I just didn’t know what to think! I went to an empty waiting room and cried and cried. Then I called my husband sobbing I told him there was no heartbeat. He was confused? What did this mean? How could this happen? He’d never heard of a missed miscarriage. I was so nauseous that day. How could the baby have no heartbeat? How could I feel so pregnant yet my baby was gone?! We agreed not to say anything to anyone. We’d wait a week. It was one of the longest, hardest weeks of my life. Pretending to be ok, while dealing with nausea and the uncertainty of the fate of my baby.

A week later I went again. I can’t remember why I didn’t take my husband with me. I was 9 weeks. The doctor took me to the ultrasound room, there was no heartbeat. The baby hadn’t grown. It was still measuring 7 weeks. I was devastated. We agreed I’d be admitted on Thursday morning to try to induce the miscarriage. I was terrified of having a D&C and told my doctor I was willing to do anything to avoid one. I called my sister in law (a doctor) she was very sympathetic and kind. She suggested I go to another hospital and get another opinion to give me peace of mind. I called my other sister in law (R & K’s mom) I told her everything and asked if I she could take my kids while I went to get a second opinion. I also asked if she could pick up my kids after school the next day since I would be admitted at the hospital and my husband would be with my all day.   She was very supportive and told me not to worry about my kids. We agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone not even my mother in law who we live with. She was out of town for a couple of days and wouldn’t be home until hopefully this was all over. After going to a second hospital and getting a second opinion I had accepted that it was true and there was no heartbeat. It was the hardest thing ever. Accepting it was important so I could accept being admitted the next day. I had one fear, needing a D&C I really didn’t want one. I was afraid of being put under genal anesthesia. I was afraid that something would happen that would delay or affect me getting pregnant again. I remember going home and cooking a lot of food so we had enough to eat for the next couple of days. I know my husband would have managed but I guess that was my way of dealing with everything. The next day we dropped the kids off at school and went to the hospital. There was a mix up and we had to wait longer than expected. I was finally admitted. After I was in my room we waited for the on call doctor to come and give me my first dose of Cytotec. After a while the cramps started and I asked for something for the pain. I won’t go into detail. I miscarried and didn’t need a D&C thankfully. I was discharged the next day.

I didn’t realize how much I would grieve my tiny baby. It made me realize that grief and faith are different. You can have faith in God and what He chooses for you. You will accept it, but you can still feel sad. So many things triggered my emotions, seeing a pegnant woman, or a baby, walking past the baby section at the store. It was all hard. My daughter’s friend had a new baby sister, I couldn’t visit her mom at the hospital. It was too much for me. I confess I ate my emotions and gained a lot of weight. It took me a while to feel better physically and emotionally. Going back to the gym helped a lot, but it took me a while until I felt physically capable. People might think, because you miscarriaged, you don’t need time to rest and heal physically, but you do. Your body did go through two major changes in a short period of time. You need to give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically. There is no specific time line, give yourself time. Listen to your body. Ask your doctor before starting any intense exercise.

With my second miscarriage, we told my mother in law, my parents and siblings right away. I knew I would need their support through this pregnancy and hopefully share the joy when we met our baby. Unfortunately, we never saw a baby. The sac was empty from the start. They call it a blighted ovum. I went to a different hospital that was closer to my house to do the daily blood tests and get a second opinion. My numbers weren’t rising and when the doctor finally agreed to do an ultrasound the sac was shrinking and collapsing. It did give me closure. I knew for sure there was no baby. We waited until I was 10 weeks because I wanted to miscarry naturally. I ended up being admitted again, Cytotec, no D&C. I was discharged the same day.

This time emotionally I was stronger. I let myself grieve.  I didn’t eat my emotions. I dealt with the grief better. It’s hard because you blame yourself. Was it something I did? Could I have prevented it? The answer is no. You didn’t do anything. You couldn’t prevent it. Don’t blame yourself. You can feel all the motions there is no right way to grieve. I t doesn’t mean you are weak, it doesn’t mean you don’t have faith. It means you are human.

My husband had a harder time with the first miscarriage because he was caught off guard. He didi’t know much about miscarriages. The day we found out I had the worst nausea and could barely eat some cheerios. So, when I called him crying, telling him there was no heartbeat. He was in shock; how could this happen? Why?

With the second miscarriage I think waiting until 10 weeks helped us process things slowly. It was still hard. We did have some moments while we were waiting to be sure when things were so stressful. He was very supportive and I couldn’t have managed without him.

Having a miscarriage is hard. Everyone deals with it differently. It doesn’t matter how far along you were. It was a baby and your feelings are valid. Surround yourself with love and support. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t feel guilty. Believe it or not, your heart will hurt less day by day and you will move on. That doesn’t mean forgetting your little angle. Even if you are blessed with a rainbow baby, you will still have a place in your heart for your angel baby/babies.