Thoughts on Parenting

If I were to write a parenting book, the first thing I would write is: parenting is hard! It is! Why beat around the bush about it? Second thing: it is SO rewarding. You just need to remember to be open minded and flexible. There is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting.

I was in college in my senior year when I become pregnant with my first. You may think I was crazy, but his pregnancy was planned and much welcome. You see, we had it all planned out: I would get pregnant during the second semester. So, I would give birth after I graduated. A solid plan, right? What could go wrong? Especially since I was still in “college student mode” and had bought multiple books about pregnancy and parenting. I had started doing research before we even started trying. So, I was almost an expert, right? I know all you moms are laughing now. It’s ok, laugh. I was so naive back then. Hahaha

The main thing I didn’t think about was all day sickness. (aka morning sickness) I didn’t know that one pregnancy symptom was sleeping all day, or at least wanting to sleep all day. It’s really hard to do that when you have a graduation project to finish. I’m lucky my pregnancy was fairly easy and I managed to graduate. But that’s not the point, the point is, even though I read books and did my research, I wasn’t prepared. Why you may ask? because everyone’s experience is different. You will definitely learn from parenting books and pregnancy books but in the end, your experience is going to be different.

The same goes with raising your kids. I do encourage reading books and listing to experts but honestly, there are some things that only you will know what is best for your kids. I’m always telling my kids; each mom has her own rules and that doesn’t mean anyone is right or anyone is wrong. I know we all secretly judge people sometimes. Especially moms. It’s so hard being a mom. you could be doing something that seems wrong or strange to the outsider but you have a very good reason doing it. We shouldn’t judge each other when we don’t really know all the details of your life. From experience I can tell you, every time I judge a mother, even if only to myself, I found myself doing that exact same thing in the future! I would remember my superior judgmental thoughts, then I would realize that now I was in this situation and I didn’t have another choice. It may hurt my pride, but I’ve learned my lesson!

As a new mom I had so many superior ideas! I “knew” so much about parenting. I read all the books remember? I was also a member of multiple parenting websites. (which area awesome! Especially the forums!) I was definitely an expert (or so I thought) and I had so many rules about how to care for my oldest. Poor baby he was my little Guinea pig that I did all my experiments on. I mean it in the most loving way. The way a new mother would care for her first born.

I tried my best. I learned so much! I learned that there are lots of things you won’t agree about with other mother, giving sips of water so the baby doesn’t go cross eyed. (old wive’s tale, babies don’t need water until they are 12 months, a sip, every now and then won’t do any harm) (read more) Getting the umbilical cord wet before it falls off (I did so much research on that back then, apparently there is no right, lots of studies using alcohol swabs and keeping it dry, lots of studies say getting it wet is fine.) But as a sleep deprived, crazy hormone new mom, of course I was right! (read more)

Back then I may have been too pro breastfeeding. I know breast feeding is good for the baby and the mother, but it isn’t always what’s best for the baby or mother. My 3rd taught me how hard latching can be.  I remember thinking if he was my first, I would have immediately given up! It was so hard! But we managed. My 5th baby taught me that “fed is best”! He is the only one of my children who took formula as a newborn, he didn’t start exclusively breastfeeding until about a month after his birth. It was really hard and took a lot of work and determination to get there. He taught me that every baby is truly different and even if you have kids you’re not an expert and you can still learn new things. Every child is different and has different needs. Studies change and what was right 20 years ago may not still be considered right now. You need to be polite to the older generations and their advice. They mean well. It took me a while but I learned to nod my head and smile, then I did what I thought was best.

I didn’t introduce solids before 6 months, I didn’t introduce any potential allergens before a year. I had severe eczema growing up and I was hoping I would somehow avoid passing it on to my kids. I don’t know if it helped but some of my kids have eczema at different levels. So far not so bad. We do our best to protect them but we need to accept that we can’t protect them from everything. We will still try. That’s what parents do.

I know in the past mothers used to potty train their kids at very young ages! I didn’t even try until they were almost three and only if they were showing signs of being ready. I didn’t potty train my youngest until he was about 3 and three months and only because preschools had opened post-COVID and I knew he would benefit from going to school and being around children his age. It took me a while, but it stopped bothering me when people would comment about how so and so’s child was potty trained at 2 or could eat by themselves with a fork and spoon at 3. That’s great! Good for them! I’m not going to try to copy them. As long as I know I am tying my best, I’m doing what I can so they are well fed, healthy, well behaved, doing well in school, clean. It’s ok.

My youngest speaks English more fluently than Arabic. Am I happy about that? No. But with the pandemic and being isolated from most people, his older siblings speak English more than Arabic at home, especially since the only cousins that we saw during the pandemic speak English more fluently. They watch tv mostly in English, the even read in English. It all adds up. He’s learning Arabic at school, I try to speak in Arabic with him at home. He’s learning. This was actually something I had judged a mom I didn’t know about once at the dentist’s  waiting room. See what I mean?

I remember judging moms who would walk in public with the children trailing behind with their nanny. Thinking how I would never do that. Then I did! I had three kids at the time they were all very young maybe 4,2, and an infant. My husband had Seventh Cranial Nerve was taking medication that compromised his immune system and made him sensitive too loud sounds and lights. I had accidently spilled boiling sweet tea on my wrist. I needed to go to the hospital and I didn’t have anyone to leave my kids with. I took them and my mother in law’s full time helper. I was in so much pain, I had a fever, because it was a second degree burn and I didn’t go immediately to the doctor thinking I was ok. I was that mom walking into the hospital and pharmacy, my kids trailing behind me with the nanny, she was pushing the stroller. I couldn’t push it with because of my wrist. Maybe someone judged me, I didn’t care. I had learned my lesson.

I never judge picky eaters anymore. My 3rd taught me my lesson. He’s a good eater. He just has preferences. He used to judge food by the way they looked. We have an agreement now, if its new you have to taste it and decide if you like it.  If it’s been a long time since you’ve tried something you taste it again. Sometimes he discovers that he likes it.

My youngest (4-year-old) has been giving me a hard time with food lately. He still drinks formula, something I usually stop before they turn three. So, what’s working for us is, milk right after school only if he asks for it. Then later I’ll bring up a plate that he either eats by himself or I help him with if he needs encouraging. It’s been working so far. I’m sure in the past I would have judged that mom that still gives her 4 year old formula.

There is a ten year gap between my oldest and youngest. I’ve done so many things differently with my youngest. I won’t say I did things wrong in the past. It’s just things change, we learn, we have more experience. Each child is different and has different needs. As long as your kids are happy, healthy and thriving, don’t worry. You’re doing great.