Finding myself again..

I want this blog to inspire me to do the things I love: read (always paper books) bake, make art, puzzles, write! You know, I think its easy to lose yourself. You can be so busy, you don’t give yourself priority. Which is wrong. but it happens. My daughter loves painting and drawing and she caught me off guard once with a question: mama, why do you have all these paintbrushes? Why do you have all these art supplies? That made me pause and think. Its been that long since I’ve done anything artistic! My daughter doesn’t even know that about me! How is that possible? Even though we have three pieces of art on the wall in the living room that I made. I painted the frame and background and used pinecones and shells my kids had collected on vacations. Yet, she doesn’t remember. Because it has been that long.

It’s funny how sometimes we don’t realize what our kids remember from the past. For example; we went to Turkey in August 2016. My kids at the time were 9, 7, 5, 3. Even my 9 year old doesn’t remember much about that trip. So its no surprise they don’t remember me painting. I honestly haven’t painted much as a mother. I mostly do arts and crafts things. Usually with my kids or for themed parties. I’m not that good at drawing but that’s not the point. I love doing arts and crafts projects. I enjoy it. It makes me happy. That’s the point. I remember reading something about how a hobby isn’t about how good you are, it’s about enjoying it. According to Webster Dictionary the definition of hobby is:

“a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation”

So if it brings you joy, helps you relax, do it! As long as it makes you happy.

I’ve made a couple of pieces of wall art for our house. I made a piece for my husband as a gift from the kids that he took to his office. I have a so many ideas I wanted to try that have been on hold for years. Yes, years! Why? Because I’ve been too busy being a mom, or maybe I thought I was too busy. I needed to make a bigger effort to give myself time. I’m trying though. I’m a work in progress.

Right now. the one thing I always make time for is the gym. It’s something that can not be canceled. I realized that I can find time for it. It isn’t impossible. Nothing will happen to the kids if I leave them (with their grandma at home) and go to the gym.  I go at any time possible. Morning noon, night. I try to go everyday when I can because I know some weeks I will barely manage going twice. The gym is my happy place. I will not give that up.

I try to give myself time to do other things. I bought a bunch of “young adult” books. They reminded me of the books I used to borrow from the library in the summers when I was in high school. I needed an easy read. Something relaxed and sweet. It was exactly what I needed.

Recently me and my husband started going out for coffee in the weekends. We usually get two coffees to go and drive around town talking. It’s nice. We are both so busy most days we don’t sit and talk much. We usually send each other messages so we make sure we know about that dentist appointment and when the carpenter is finally coming. If we wait until we see each other we usually forgot. It’s not ideal but it works for us. I know this super busy phase will pass and we will have quieter days when the kids grow older.

I think since I haven’t had many IRL (in real life) friends since I moved to Riyadh. I’m always a bit  nervous meeting up with old friends. Especially when they are interior architects like me. I’m always judging myself. How I haven’t really worked and I have 5 kids. Most of my friends/ college classmates have one or two children or aren’t even married. They’ve focused on higher degrees and careers while I was busy dealing with “all day sickness” and teething babies. I don’t know why I expect them to judge me and make me feel less than them.

I met up with an old college friend who just moved to Riyadh. I was nervous because I was judging myself so harshly about being a SAHM. When we met I was surprised to hear that she was a SAHM too! She did some freelance work in the past but wasn’t doing anything at the moment. She was content. Why was I so hard on myself? She didn’t judge me at all. We had a great time. It was just like old times.

I have an awesome best friend (who lives on the other side of the country) who is always there to remind me that I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone. I know she’s right. I guess we all judge ourselves sometimes. Compare ourselves to others. Worry about what we “should be doing” or what we think is expected of us. I’d like to think that we’ve reached a place in society (world wide) where we are beginning to understand that there is no “should”. There is no rule. Everyone has different circumstances. Everyone is going through something different. So I’m a stay at home mom, so I have 5 kids. That doesn’t mean I’ve wasted my life. Comparing is so wrong.

I am slowly finding myself again. I’m better at giving myself priority when I need it. I’m better at communicating with my husband about what I want. I’m better at balancing between being me and being a mom/ wife/ DIL/ +all the different roles that comes with being a mom. I think I’m embracing the fact that I am an interior designer, I don’t have a formal job. That is my choice and it is fine. I’m working on our house and that is more than enough for now. There is no right or wrong when it comes a to personal life choices. As long as I’m ok with that and my husband is supportive, that’s all that matters.

Who knows that the future holds? I’m sure it’s all good.