Grief

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

This post was written two weeks ago.

Grief is a strange, strange thing. It’s something I can don’t fully understand yet. I’m still grieving my maternal grandmother who passed away in November 2022. Even though she lived in a different city and I didn’t see her a lot as an adult (something I regret a lot!) I used to call her a lot and I’ve picked up the phone so many times over the past months, only to remember she’s no longer there to answer the phone.

I’ve been having these dreams the past couple of weeks. In them, I’m at my grandmother’s house and all my aunts and uncles are there, we’re having a good time and I’m telling myself I need to visit more often, then I remember, she’s not there anymore, in the dream, no one understands my tears, they’ve all grieved and moved on, while I haven’t because this is the first time I visit since she’s passed. I usually wake up crying or cry as soon as I remember my dream. Right now, I never want to visit the city of Taif again. I never want to set foot in her house. I don’t want to feel the void she has left and see it with my eyes.

I know my uncle (who lived with her) will start to make changes to the house. That is his right, but I don’t know if I can accept it. Because then it will make it real. It will force me to realize that she is no longer here. She is gone forever.

This grief has changed my perspective in some things, like how much time I spend with my MIL it has made not having her live with us over the past 4 months while we renovated much harder. It has pushed me to take the kids to my sister in laws house (where she is staying) every day after school for the past three weeks. even though it is so hot and traffic is so much worse when we go home. Sometimes I need to be home with the workers and sometimes I’m so exhausted but I know it is worth every second stuck in traffic to see her face light up as we walk in, listen to her ask my kids about school, ask me about the renovation. She likes to joke with my kindergartner that she wants to go to school with him. He always laughs and tells her grandmothers can’t go to kindergarten. I have done everything I can to bring her back home as fast as possible. At the same time, I have this feeling of guilt that I’m taking her away from her daughter. I understand her daughter’s joy in having her mother live with her over the past months. I wish there was a way for us to live together. I know I would want my parents to live with me when they are too old to live by themselves. I am already campaigning for them to move to my neighborhood. So, my kids can walk to their houses and I can drop by at any time of the day. I would love to be able to drop by for a cup of coffee, send them a plate of food I’ve cooked or cookies my daughter baked. If you’ve ever lived far away from your parents you will understand.

Losing my grandmother has taught me that grief is different for everyone and it’s different with every person you are grieving. When my paternal grandfather passed away, my grief was heavy with guilt and that guilt ate away at me until I turned that guilt into something positive and I started calling my grandmother every day. Since I couldn’t go back in time and call my grandfather I started calling her. I didn’t want to feel the overwhelming guilt I felt when he passed away. I’m so grateful I did this. I think it helped me heal after my grandfather passed away.

I don’t know what to do to help me heal now. I don’t talk to my mother about how much it hurts because I know she is still hurting too.

I still have the few things my grandmother had knitted for me, the jacket she knitted for my oldest when he was a baby, the slippers she knitted for me in highschool that are too small for me now. When they went through her things they found a silk scarf I had bought her on our trip to Turkey. I used to always try to convince her to travel with me to visit her family abroad. She didn’t like to travel and used to tell me to travel myself and bring her back a gift, so I did. I’m grateful for all the memories I have with her. I want my kids to make as mayn’t memories as possible with their grandparents.

I think if anything, grief has taught me that we need to spend as much time as possible with our loved ones, we need to be present with them, really listen. Distance isn’t an excuse, a phone call or a message can really connect you.

I know it hurts to lose someone you love, but in a way that pain helps you remember them and pray for them. I’m not sure I ever want that the ache to completely go away. There is something comforting about it, it keeps her close in my heart.