Losing Myself and Finding Myself
I think I’m doing well, I feel like I’m more me, but I’m so different than the young mother over 10 years ago. I know I can’t go back and be her, because I’ve changed and that’s ok. I hope you don’t think I’m obsessing about losing myself and finding myself. I’m not. The thing is, it’s a long process, realizing you are lost is the first step, working towards finding yourself is a whole journey of its own. I’m happy where I am now, I’m not there yet but I’m getting there.
I used to be such a girly girl, I always had soft hands, perfect cuticles and the softest feet. I was a very relaxed person, I was a dreamy, poetry-writing person. At university I had one class a week where I had to go to the other campus where all the other colleges were, I didn’t have any friends taking the same class and all my classmates would rush off to their other classes or go home while I had to wait for the bus. So, I would sit outside on the grass (when the weather permitted) I would always have a notebook and a pencil (always a pencil because all those thoughts couldn’t be written with anything else) I usually had a chocolate, maybe some coffee. I would sit and admire the clouds and write my thoughts. I even named that notebook a collection of thoughts. I still secretly wanted to be a poet. I would also sit and read and whenever someone I knew found me there they were always surprised how I could sit outside on the grass alone so peacefully.
When we went to the beach I used to wear socks because the salty water made the soft sand too rough for my soft feet, I loved sitting on the beach watching the waves. I think I really became a part of the gulf and it is something I always miss when I haven’t been there recently. Even when we visit a different body of water, no matter how peaceful and beautiful and wonderful it is, it’s not the gulf.
When I got married I think I had this idea in my head of what a wife should be, I thought a wife was responsible for everything in the household, I never thought, I can always delegate, yes, I am the big boss who orchestrates everything and makes sure everything is done and in harmony. But, you don’t need to do all this yourself. Also, your husband, he’s your partner, that means he’s responsible too. It’s funny, because I’ve heard women from all over the world talk about this misconception. It’s funny how women from all over the world, had the same idea of what a wife is “supposed” to be. I’m glad that’s changed. I’m proud to say that the newer generations, get it more than we did. I see it in my husband’s nieces, they are moms, they have their own careers and they seem to balance things fine. They aren’t doing everything. I think that’s essential in not losing yourself.
When I got married we decided to have kids after I graduated so I could focus on my graduation. A graduation thesis and project were a lot. I graduated pregnant, like we planned. (I talk about that here) So when I had my first baby, we agreed I would stay home with the baby, I didn’t want to leave him with anyone. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter when my son was only 11 months old. I was pregnant or nursing from 2007 until 2020 with a couple of short breaks. When I wrote this down it made me really realize it’s a lot!
In the 17 years we’ve been married I was pregnant or nursing for 13 of them.
The first five years were maybe the hardest because I was still adjusting to living in a new city, my husband worked two shifts, late hours, weekends, I didn’t have my family in town, I had three young babies then I became pregnant with my fourth. My second, fourth and last pregnancy were difficult, I was put on modified bed rest and had to take something to stop contractions, with my last I needed blood thinners.
I didn’t sleep much, I barely had time for showers, I lost the desire to dress up because I was tired all the time and it seemed like a lost cause when I would end up smelling like spit up soon enough, I didn’t brush my hair regularly which would lead to tangled difficult to brush hair, I would use loads of conditioner to help untangle my hair when I got the chance, I stopped brushing my teeth before bed and basically all my bedtime rituals went out the window. By the time the kids were asleep I was either asleep with them in some uncomfortable position or barely awake enough to go straight to bed. Who cared about oral hygiene I need to sleep so I could function the next day. I started trying new routines, I’d brush my teeth with the kids, I left a toothbrush in their bathroom and one in my bathroom, I would put my pajamas on before the kids bed time so at least I would go to bed in my pajamas, I tried brushing my hair while I sat with the kids but I would eventually get distracted and pull it up in a bun. I barely put make up on because then it would need washing off before bed which usually never happened. I wore comfortable nursing friendly clothes for the longest time until once I noticed what my closet looked like and attempted to completely change my wardrobe.
Through all this the one thing I remained consistent with was losing the baby weight, that was something I did not let go of, as soon as I was physically capable I would start exercising. I would do it with my kids in the living room, my third would even grab my finger and start kicking mimicking Leslie Sansone’s workouts. I think that one thing saved me from being completely consumed by motherhood.
During this period of early motherhood, my computer broke, it had my graduation project on it and I trusted no one to fix it so for a while I was a little isolated from the world, that led to losing touch with so many people, but like I said in my post about friends, the ones that were meant to stay in my life came back. But I guess that made it hard, I wasn’t alone but I was lonely for a friend.
I don’t blame anyone I don’t blame the circumstances it just happened and I’m grateful that I caught myself before I was completely gone.
When my fourth was born I had decided I had enough of the grey hairs that were starting to appear (genetics not old age) I started dying my hair. That time at the hair salon was pure bliss, it did take some planning, usually my youngest sister in law would be my hero and watch my kids while I went to get pampered. It was always someone from my husband’s family, like I mentioned before, they are my family. I am so lucky to have them.
Another thing I started doing was going to the gym. I did exercise at home but at the gym I was Nuha again and I’ve talked about how important that was to me. I loved being called mama but for the longest time it seemed I was only mama and I forgot who I was. That I was my own person and not just my kids’ mother. It may not seem like a big difference but it is. I needed to remember who I was I guess that’s when I realized how lost I was.
Between my 4th son and my 5th, despite the pregnancies and miscarriages, I managed to remember who I was again, I started giving myself more time and doing things I loved. I had found YOUapp which I’ve talked about more than once. It really played a big role in helping me become more mindful, realize how small actions can have a big impact, and really give myself time. The YOU-community and YOU-friends played a big role in this and still do to this day to which I am grateful!
During the pandemic, lockdown, and about two years of distance learning, I had so much going on I went back to my old ways, I really didn’t have the time with school on line at two different shifts I had school all day, plus being present with my mother in law, who loved going out and having gusts and was stuck at home with only direct family visiting. I know it was a difficult time for the whole world and I’m grateful for all the people who stood together to help us pass through that difficult time.
The past three years, as life slowly went back to normal I started to give myself more time and take care of me more. I’ve slowly started to find myself again and it feels great! Despite the stress of two major renovations over the past two years, planning and starting this blog has helped me a lot. I’ve completed a year of blogging and posting every Saturday (with one exception) and posting sometimes in between and in the middle of the night.
I am grateful for everyone who has read a post, commented, and supported me on my journey. I hope this blog has helped someone and I hope it continues to help moms find themselves or even better never lose themselves as you follow me on my journey to be me again while I care for my family.