Growing older
Photo by Thomas Curryer on Unsplash
Even though I’ve written about growing older, I’ve mentioned last year was a milestone birthday for me. I think part of me is still wondering where all the years went. Sometimes something will trigger it, and I will sit and think well where did my thirties go? How fast my twenties passed by! I know I’m always in awe at how fast my kids grow older, how did my oldest turn 16 last Tuesday?! At the same time; it seems I was sixteen only yesterday. I remember how it felt to be so young and carefree. Because let’s be honest, I didn’t have care in the world when I was 16. I had golden summers; walking to the rec center to swim some laps before my friends arrived and we’d stand and talk in the pool and play some games like: Marco-polo. I’d sit in the sun and hope to get a tan only to get freckles which I hated. I would shower and meet with my friends in the greasy scented cafeteria, skip the fries because they were unhealthy and I just swam! I’d go home and eat some strawberry yoghurt, my favorite “treat” because I didn’t like candy and would try to cut back on chocolate, my favorite thing. I was obsessed with being healthy and I made sure I had that perfect waist. I spent my evenings reading and would stay up late to finish a book, I’d sleep in (what a luxury!) and wake up when my family was having lunch, but I could not skip breakfast, because you can’t eat lunch food for breakfast, obviously!
Half my twenties flew by while in college, I was drowning in college work, and barely had time for anything, I always gave sleep priority. As busy as I was, I was still me, I was still Nuha. When I graduated, I felt that I needed to make up for lost time; I was married but lived in a different city for an entire year, plus being completely exhausted graduating, pregnant. I decided I didn’t want to work before I gave birth to my first child. I was content, at home, reorganizing everything my way and finally feeling content with my quiet life at home. It was nice not having any submissions for a change.
Then in November 2007, my first child was born. It was a big change, it was hard because I wanted to do everything myself. I was incredibly stubborn and didn’t want to ask for help, because I obviously did all the research, read all the books and my way was the only right way. (You can laugh, I’ve talked about my adventures as a new mom before.)
So, from 2007, until 2020 I was either pregnant or breastfeeding, with really short breaks in the middle. That’s a long time and it was draining, mentally and physically! I think, I didn’t really realize how lost I was until after my fourth was born, maybe because my two oldest were 7, and 5 so they were more independent. My third was three and potty trained. So at least I only had one baby in diapers. I remember when people would ask me how life was with 4 kids I would tell them, I felt like I was in control when they were three but now I’m not in control! It was hard. With my fourth I nursed him until he was two, I did have a short break between nursing and my first miscarriage, then a short break before my second miscarriage. It’s funny how a miscarriage is harder than a full-term pregnancy mentally because your body goes through such a dramatic change in a short period of time yet, you are left with empty arms, and no baby. Mourning the loss of my two angel babies was hard when I needed to be present for my kids. I think I made it harder for myself because I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I didn’t think anyone understood. We are used to and answering when people ask; “How are you?” with: “Fine thank you”. When sometimes we need to tell the truth. Sometimes I’m not fine and that’s ok.
(I talked about my miscarriages here)
In the 5 years between my fourth child and fifth child’s births I had a small break, my kids were self-dependent; dressing themselves, eating by themselves, going to the bathroom on their own, so I could leave them at home with their grandmother while I went to the gym, or ran a quick errand.
That was a huge milestone. Being able to say: good bye, kids I’m going to the gym I won’t be long! To see them wave and smile while they played. It was a big deal for me! That independence was priceless! I didn’t used to go out much when they were younger because I had to take them all with me and I would always get stares and smiles form people as I walked like a mama duck with my little ducklings behind me. I remember how stressful it was to go out with them. I would be on super alert mode and I would always go home with a headache. I remember once when I was pregnant with my third, I decided that it would be a good idea to take my two children shopping with me at the mall, even though my husband was home and offered to watch them. My oldest was 4 at the time and discovered that he was small enough to hide under the clothes racks and then would giggle silently while I called his name in panic! Thank goodness his sister was young enough for the stroller and couldn’t hide with him.
When they became older it took me a while to realize that going out with them wasn’t as stressful anymore because I didn’t have to worry about one of them getting lost.
I celebrated my 30th birthday with 3 kids, I had 4 more pregnancies, 2 more babies in my thirties. This was when I slowly started finding myself, but, I realize now that I was still lost because I didn’t know who I wanted to be, the person I lost didn’t fit in my life now, I wanted to be a different person, I still had a long way to go. I started going to the gym more regularly, I tried multiple gyms. I bought books to read for enjoyment not self-improvement. I discovered a new hobby: puzzles, though I did pause that for a couple of years after my youngest was born. Isn’t it interesting how we can put ourselves on the back burner so easily for our kids? We need to realize, that’s not necessary. If my blog does anything, I want it to tell all mothers from all over the world; you don’t need to lose yourself, you don’t need to put yourself last, you need to ask for help, delegate, make time for yourself. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. I know it’s actually really hard I am still trying to find myself, I’m still discovering who I am. I’m embracing little things that used to bring me joy that I let go of even though I didn’t have to. I’m discovering my new night time and morning routines. I’ve started going to the gym in the morning which is great because I don’t have the mom guilt of leaving my kids, and it gives me more time. I went through a period of dizziness at the gym last year and I’m finally over it and back to my intense workouts and it feels amazing!
I have more time on my hands in the mornings and I’m figuring out what I want to do with it.
I’m changing the way I look at myself and my own appearance. I think maybe I’m a little bolder. I’m trying to accept my mom belly that still isn’t 100% gone and I’m trying not to worry about people thinking I’m pregnant because it doesn’t matter what they think.
I’ve spoken about how I’m changing, and I’m embracing it. I understand now how moms change when they get older, they are at a new phase of their life, a phase when their aren’t people depending on them as much, they’ve been so focused on the wellbeing of others, it really is like we were hibernating and its spring and were blossoming. We’re older, we have more time for ourselves, we are wiser. It’s our midlife blossoming. I still haven’t fully blossomed. I’m getting there.