Change

Photo by Pesce Huang on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been changing. People might call it a midlife crisis but it’s not a crisis. I think it’s more like I was hibernating and I just woke up and it’s spring again. That’s how I feel.

Realistically, I have more time on my hands. My kids are older. They are all in school in the morning. I’m sleeping better. (Sort of) I’m exercising regularly which is really helping me mentally and physically. I think it’s natural to focus on myself more. I have more time and energy to do that!

I should give myself more credit. You need to remember that at one point I had a 7,5,3-year-old and a newborn. It was a lot. So of course, I wasn’t into makeup or cared about doing anything with my hair other than a bun. It was a phase and it passed

I’m trying to do the things I used to do in the past and while I do sometimes feel insecure and maybe a little old. Because how do I explain why all of a sudden, I’m interested in eyebrow gel? (I know nothing about it) What will people say when they notice that I’m into makeup again? But that’s the thing; Why do people make comments like that? Why would you say: well you're finally putting more makeup on again!

Why not say: wow you look good!

I think that what people say and what they think is holding me back. I’m trying not to let it but, that’s the truth.

So, as I continue to find myself again. I need to turn off those thoughts in my head. Let them say and think whatever they want. I need to focus on what I want. I am going to learn about eyebrow gel and try it out. I am going to wear my hair in its natural curls and maybe straighten it later. I’m going to do what I want, and try new things. I’m not doing any harm to anyone and hopefully, I’m doing myself good.

Remember, when you see someone suddenly change, don’t question it. Let them be. Maybe encourage them. Compliment them. Because even though we know we shouldn’t care what people think, we still do sometimes. It’s not that easy. 

That’s what stops us from doing a lot of things. What people will say. They will think I’m too old. They will think I’m trying to act younger. They think I regret my life decisions. 

First, who cares what they think? We really shouldn’t. 

Second, they are wrong. You are not too old, you don’t need to act anything, don’t regret anything. You don’t need to find excuses to change. It’s fine. Do what makes yourself happy. Explore new things. Learn to embrace change. Don’t label it.

Maybe I was that person with her hair always in a bun, that was in the past. I don’t have to be that person anymore.

Balance

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

So, I’ve been reading a lot of YOU friends, talking about their “word” for 2023. I never really thought about choosing a word for the new year. We actually go by the lunar calendar so this isn’t really a new year for us. But, since the world has become one big village in a sense, we also go by the Gregorian calendar. I like the idea of choosing a word. I look it as a goal, something to motivate you. To make the new year better. I did a lot of thinking. Told my husband about the concept. Asked him to choose a word. He chose “optimism” I think it’s the perfect word for him. He already is an optimistic person. It’s one of the things I love about him.

I did a lot of thinking. I’ve been trying really hard to find balance in my life. I’ve been thinking, if I wanted to choose a word for this year, I would choose balance.

Balance is important. It’s important in all aspects of life, you need balance raising your kids. Don’t spoil them but don’t be too strict. You need to balance eating healthy while occasionally indulging in a few treats. You need to balance taking care of everyone while taking care of yourself. It’s not easy though. Especially the last one. You need to watch out when you're taking care of everyone else so that you don’t burn yourself out. Then you won’t have any energy for yourself.

I need to learn to balance between all my different responsibilities and myself. I’m always putting myself last. I’ve come a long way. YOUapp has helped me a lot, there are so many small things you can do that can make such a difference. Like delegating, before YOUapp, I didn’t know how to delegate. I had to do everything myself, which is impossible! I’ve come a long way.

I’m still rediscovering the parts of me that I lost. Last week, I was at the mall, I passed by a make up shop. A place I rarely go to. I saw an entire section for eyebrows products, something I know nothing about. I remember how much I used to love makeup. I rarely wear make up now. I don’t know why I stopped. I also have been feeling drained and avoiding human interaction, I am around people all the time so I rarely get some time to myself. I also long for friends. I do have friends, but only two live in Riyadh and I rarely see them. I wish I have gym friends, but I know it’s my fault I don’t have any. I used to go to the gym to get away from everyone and be by myself, but now I wish I had someone to motivate me when I need a push, to talk to in-between workouts. To send funny gym memes and Instagram reels that nobody I know can relate to. Is that too much to ask?

I admit I did go through a part of 2022 focusing on myself a little too much. But not in a good way. I was going through some health issues. Nothing major. I just started getting dizzy at the gym during my workouts with my personal trainer. I’ve mentioned how important the gym is to me. At first, we thought; maybe I didn’t sleep enough (do I ever though?) maybe I didn’t eat enough, maybe I’m just exhausted. But, it didn’t make any sense. I was doing even more intense workouts earlier in the year while being sleep deprived, exhausted, forgetting to eat… and I was fine! We thought maybe I have low iron. So many maybes…

I won’t go into detail. This led to a long 6 months of blood tests, MRI’s and x rays. This all was very stressful. Thankfully, they couldn’t find anything wrong. Except for a slight deficiency in sodium and calcium. So, they gave me supplements. During all that, I was exhausted from all the doctor’s appointments that just lead to more questions while they tried to discover what was wrong. I even went a month without coffee or chocolate, my two favorite things! The physical and mental exhaustion didn’t leave much energy to be present with my kids. I was there. I was up in the morning when they got ready for school, I picked them up, made them dinner. Followed up on homework. But I wasn’t very present. I was so distracted with the what “if’s” and “maybe’s”. I’m not a pessimistic person but you can’t help worrying when the doctors give you so many hypotheses.

I think what made it harder was that, the gym, the place I went to when I needed to recharge or get rid of negative energy, was the cause of this all. I couldn’t stop going to the gym, but when I went, I get so frustrated when I got dizzy.

Everything became overwhelming, my 8-year-old was having trouble adjusting to his new school. I did everything I could. I knew he needed to see his old friends more but socializing was overwhelming. If anyone got sick, it was overwhelming, I didn’t want to go to the hospital anymore. If they had midterms, finals, dentist appointments, orthodontist appointments, eye checkups. Everything was a challenge. I didn’t tell anyone though. I couldn’t. I’m strong remember? This is silly, I’ve been doing this all for so long. I can do this right?

Writing this is hard. It’s making me realize how hard it was for me, I did it alone because that’s how I deal with things. I never told anyone about my dizzy spells. Expect for my husband and oldest sister in law who is a doctor. They were both supportive, they just didn’t realize how much this was affecting me.

During finals week, I got the last of the blood tests, everything was normal! I remember I needed to go to the cardiologist but I didn’t have time, his clinic was only in the evenings and I needed to be home for the kids. So, I made a video call appointment with a cardiologist I didn’t know, he read my file and listened to my story, he told me he thought it was a mineral deficiency. He told me I needed to drink more fluids, not just water. I thought what he said made sense. I started drinking juice in the morning, a vitamin drink, electrolytes during my workout. I’m still taking supplements too.

I’m much better thankfully, with an occasional dizzy spell. Not anywhere near as bad as before.

I’m more present now with my kids. (Just in time for midterms) I’m trying my best to give them individual time. Trying to be there for each child and making sure they feel heard. I finally took my daughter shopping, just the two of us. I took my two middle boys out to meet up with a friend.

If anything, I’m getting so good at making sure I have gym time, at least 3 times a week. 

Sunday, I went during the hour between when my daughter gets home before my boys come home from school. I managed 4k on the treadmill. Not bad. I’m glad I went. I didn’t have time to work out afterward and I was too tired after they were all in bed.

I haven’t found balance in everything yet but I’ll get there.

School and the Pandemic (part 2)

Drawing by my daughter done during lockdown.

Please read Part 1 first.

When the new school year started in September 2021, the government announced that they would continue to do distance learning. Even though we expected this, we were disappointed. It was hard on everyone. Staring at a screen for hours was hard, especially when there were a lot of more fun options around you. My oldest had school in the morning (middle school) my younger three had school in the afternoon/ early evening (elementary) Which meant I had school all day. It was exhausting. The teachers were amazing. I don’t know how they did it. It was a lot of work for them, parents and for the students too.

I started going to the gym in the mornings, I’d go as soon as I made sure my oldest had breakfast and was in his class. The others would still be asleep. I’d go swim and come back. It was the one thing I did for myself and it was great!

I’m lucky my kids go to amazing schools. They did everything they could to make learning at a distance easier. When my daughter was having an especially difficult time, her school invited her and two of her classmates to attend class at school. They were still on line but together in the same classroom, spread across the room of course, wearing masks. Bur it made such a difference! That one day gave her the boost she needed. I took her younger brothers to the park across the street and we did on line school at the park. They had a blast and would run to swing or slide in between classes. We even had a small picnic. My boys go to a different school. They were also given a day to attend. They were over the moon that they would get to see their teachers and classmates. It always made me nervous sending them but I knew they needed it!

We managed to complete an entire school year on line. It was hard but we did it! We had a lot of difficult moments. My middle son (4th grade at the time) had a lot of breaking moments. It was too much for him. He would beg me to let him go to school. I’d let him call the school counselor. He was supportive and would let him call whenever he needed. It was actually his idea to speak to him when once my son had had enough and came crying to me. it was so hard seeing him like that. Not seeing your friends, not playing during recess, no team sports during P.E… It was too much.

The next year (2022) the government decided that middle school and high school would attend school. Elementary school would continue to distance learn. My middle boys were so disappointed. They had had enough of on-line school. They missed their friends, they needed human interaction. We trusted the government, it was for the best. The older students were required to get two vaccines in order to go to school. The government wanted the majority of the population to be vaccinated before they sent elementary students back to school. I had two kids vaccinated and attending school in the morning and two doing on line school in the afternoon. My youngest who was three at the time was confused, where were his siblings going in the morning? School was on their Ipads! He was too young to remember them attending school.

After the first week of the second term, elementary schools started attending schools again! It was such a relief for everyone. My kids were so happy to be going back! They even reopened kindergarten and preschool and we decided to enroll our youngest who was three at the time. He needed to see more kids his age. With this pandemic he wasn’t used to seeing a lot of people. He didn’t even know school was something you attended until his older siblings went back and it was strange for him. It took him a little longer than usual to adjust to going to school and I went with him for an entire week. Then when he realized how much fun school was he started hating weekends! Haha! He would try to convince me that teachers didn’t have days off.

We’ve come a long way, since the start of the pandemic over two years ago. I think if anything, it has taught us not take anything for granted. We would have never imagined that the whole world would go in lock down and every one wo have to stay home! It was as if the entire human population was grounded and couldn’t leave their houses. The simplest things like going grocery shopping or going to school were forbidden. Hugging and hand shaking became taboo. I think some of us still have issues with touching people. Its awkward now; do we shake hands? Do we hug? It’s crazy how so much has changed!

I think this experience also taught us how much our pollution has impacted the earth. The way the earth healed during the pandemic was amazing! What a difference it made, to the air, the seas and all wildlife. That is something we need to think about more.

As hard as the pandemic was and still is on the whole world. I’d like to think that some good did come out of it.

School and the Pandemic (part 1)

Drawing by my daughter done during lockdown.

When coronavirus started spreading in China, it seemed so far away. It was scary. I remember praying for the people in China. I just never imagined it would turn into a worldwide pandemic.

The first case of COVID was confirmed in Saudi Arabia on the 2nd of March.  Umrah (Holy pilgrimage to Mecca) was suspended on the 4th of March. They even limited hours for prayers only otherwise the holy mosque was closed. They fenced around the Kaaba so nobody could get close and touch it to stop spreading the virus and so people didn’t get too close together. They are ALWAYS are on top of things when it comes to sanitizing and cleaning the Holy Mosque but they increased all their efforts to keep everything as clean as possible. These added precautions showed how wise our government is! Letting people come to Mecca for Umrah would have led to a big increase of the virus in all the world! I am very grateful for them.

Schools were closed on March 8th. My kids’ schools immediately started distance learning. They started trying different on-line programs seeing what was best for the teacher and students and of course I had my hands full helping them adjust. Especially, my then first grader. His teacher was amazing and sent voice notes to my son via my WhatsApp addressed to my son, giving him feedback on his reading and writing. He was always so encouraging.

Between March 13th and March 26th All social events were suspended, all international flights were suspended, all government agencies started working from home. Lots of private business also started working from home. All malls were closed, all public gatherings were banned, prayers in all mosques were suspended. Basically: everything was closed except for hospitals, pharmacies & supermarkets. Restaurants were drive-through only. Domestic flights, trains, buses and taxis were suspended and we were put on a lockdown, no traveling in between cities and we had a curfew from 3 pm to 6 am. Which would become 24 hour lockdown in April. Life as we knew it had completely changed.

Before we were put on 24-hour lockdown I went into survival mode, I stalked up on beans and rice and made things like falafel mix and boiled chickpeas to freeze. Having a stocked freezer made me feel in control of something. I had a lot of mouths to feed and this helped me feel better. I also hoped that with the freezer and pantry stocked, my mother in law wouldn’t go out. (but she did occasionally, I understood that she would get restless but I was so worried she would catch COVID.

I confess, I hated distance learning. I remember at first, we’d say homeschooling until I realized it was not the same. Homeschooling is done by choice, we didn’t choose this. Also, we were lucky we had our teachers, but, at a distance. I know the teachers didn’t enjoy it either. It was so hard, especially with the younger ones. I remember how frustrating it was for the teacher when the students kept asking the same question because they weren’t focusing. The teacher would start giving them spelling words, then a student would join the class late. Can you please repeat what you said? That happened so many times sometimes I would get frustrated on the teacher’s behalf. It was hard because I had to put each of my kids in a different room, and keep checking on them. Sometimes I’d find someone playing and the teacher explaining to the wall what a mammal was…

I also had a two-year-old I needed to keep entertained and away from his siblings while they were in class. My mother in law found it difficult staying home all day with no visitors. So, I introduced her to video calls! I downloaded every single program I heard of. I sent family and friends all the programs she had and asked them to call her. We had group video calls too. It was a nice way to connect.

The first couple of months were very stressful, there was still so much unknown about the virus. My husband continued to go to work even when almost everyone was working from home. It was hard worrying about him getting sick. We were also worried about my mother in law. We live with her and she is elderly and the slightest thing makes her sick. I’m grateful that with God’s mercy, then all of our precautions she didn’t get the virus.

Grocery shopping became so stressful for me, it’s silly really when I think about it now. But my mother in law is elderly and she wanted the same brands she was used to, so when I couldn’t find something she wanted I would get so frustrated. Sometimes I would sit and cry because I couldn’t get the groceries we needed. It’s just hard to imagine how difficult grocery shopping had become! Sometimes, I would almost finish an order only to have it canceled or the app would freeze! How I missed going to the supermarket myself and leisurely walking down the aisles. Once, we accidentally got way to many bananas. I ended up freezing a lot of bananas and I baked banana bread cupcakes for the longest time! We also got too many cucumbers by mistake which lead to my new found love of pickling! It seems everyone all over the world made banana bread and some sort of pickles that year!

My daughter was very stressed out with everything going on. Even though I tried to stay optimistic and try not to talk about numbers of cases or how it was spreading around the world. I didn’t let her watch the news and tried to help her find hobbies to keep her distracted and take out her stress in a positive way. She started drawing cartoonish drawings, she found a great YouTube channel and would watch and draw along. It helped. She had trouble sleeping and sometimes I’d be up all night with her. She would become so afraid at night and wanted me by her side all night. We had let her sleepover in her brothers’ room just for a change and she never wanted to go back to her room. It took a longtime time to finally get her to sleep in her own room. I bought her puzzles to keep her busy and they were very helpful. Sometimes when she couldn’t sleep, we would work on them together.

When we had a curfew, we would go out on rides in the car, my mother in law and oldest never came with us. My oldest declared he wasn’t leaving the house until they found a cure. My three youngest welcomed these rides. They hated being stuck inside all the time. They would tell me, we miss the roads and buildings, we miss seeing other people! Everyone coped differently. We all did our best.

I think one of the hardest times was the month of Ramadan with mosques closed. It wasn’t the same not hearing the prayers in the mosques. We would pray together at home. They had lifted 24-hour lockdown in Ramadan, before they put us on 24-hour lockdown again my sister in law and boys came to spend Eid with us. It was a strange Eid, no Eid prayer in the mosques. No family coming over. We made the most of it.

My daughter took out her stress in art, she made and painted all the decorations for our Eid party. She chose the theme, Candy. I helped her plan it. The party was fun despite it being only us and their two cousins.

I did a lot of baking throughout lockdown and a lot of baking for Eid. I even made a four-layer cake and covered it with fondant, (something I hadn’t done in years) It was a complete disaster in my opinion and I may or may not have had a break down and sobbed into my husband’s shoulders, insisting he didn’t understand when he tried to soothe me.

When they lifted 24-hour lockdown in May and we could go out for a couple of hours during the day, the orthodontist called to tell us they were open. My oldest refused to go for a check up. I told him it was safe. The clinic is a small private clinic. They aren’t taking many patients. They check your temperature and make you wear a mask at the door. They have always been very clean and professional. But, my son didn’t want to go.

He hadn’t been to the dentist for two months. He was supposed to go once a month to get his braces checked. We knew it was scary and since he was older he read more news on line and understood more about what was happening in the world. I called the orthodontist to explain. They were understanding and said as long as he didn’t have any issues with his braces it should be ok to wait a little longer until he was comfortable coming.

On May 26th, they lifted lock down on all of the Kingdom except for the city Mecca and some specific neighborhoods around the Kingdom. It was a bit of a relief to be able to go out at any time but, it was also a little bit scary.

After they lifted lockdown life slowly went back to normal. Except it was a new normal, face masks, hand sanitizer, social distancing. We didn’t go out much, I usually went out by myself. I tried to make sure we had everything my mother in law wanted but she still would go out to buy fish, which caused me so much anxiety. I was trying my best to protect her.

We spent the summer at home, the kids would play outside, swim in our pool, and spend way too much time watching tv and playing video games. We managed.

Miscarriage

There is a sensitive subject I’d like to talk about that I feel isn’t talked about openly enough. I want to share my stories because it really helped me when I was going through this and I read other woman’s stories.

I’ve been through two miscarriages. One missed miscarriage & one blighted ovum.

This happened after I had already had 4 healthy pregnancies and children with no major issues. It never ever occurred to me that this could happen to me. I never realized how much it hurts to lose a baby so tiny. Most people don’t realize this either. I think you need to actually go through this to truly understand the pain.

When I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time, I was over the moon! I was so happy I wanted to shout over the roof tops: I’m pregnant! I couldn’t believe it!  We had been putting off getting pregnant again until things settled down with four kids. I had a really bad case of baby fever. For some reason, we decided to keep the pregnancy a secret. We usually tell my parents, my MIL, my sister and sisters in law. I don’t know why we made this decision but it made going through the miscarriage easier for me. I’m not a very open person about my feelings. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t know...

I was 6 weeks along, since this was our 5th baby I didn’t ask my husband to come to my appointment. I didn’t expect to have an ultrasound and expected it to be a routine visit. The doctor said let’s do a quick ultrasound to check on everything. Naturally I was eager to see my baby. When we started she was quiet and I waited for her to say something. She said she couldn’t see a heartbeat but maybe it was too early. She said maybe you miscalculated your dates. I knew I hadn’t miscalculated anything but I thought 6 weeks was early. So, I wasn’t very worried. I told my husband let’s wait until we see the heartbeat to tell our parents so the pregnancy remained a secret.

I went in again at 8 weeks. I didn’t ask my husband to come with me because I wasn’t expecting any bad news I was very optimistic. I wanted to save him taking time off work for an ultrasound farther along when the baby was bigger maybe to see the gender together!

When I went in for the ultrasound the doctor was very quiet. I asked her if there was a heartbeat and she said no. She tuned up the volume and I heard the silence of my womb. It was the loudest silence I had ever heard. My doctor asked me to go see the ultra sound tech for a vaginal ultrasound because it was so early the baby was too small. I felt nervous but went to the ultrasound tech hoping for the best. The ultrasound tech was also very quiet. When I went in to see my doctor she told me there was no heartbeat. I was completely caught off guard and so shocked by the news. I didn’t believe it. I told her maybe it was too early. Maybe the baby was too small. Maybe they were wrong! She said: come back in a week and we’ll check.

I remember leaving her office in tears. She was so sweet and tried to comfort me. I just didn’t know what to think! I went to an empty waiting room and cried and cried. Then I called my husband sobbing I told him there was no heartbeat. He was confused? What did this mean? How could this happen? He’d never heard of a missed miscarriage. I was so nauseous that day. How could the baby have no heartbeat? How could I feel so pregnant yet my baby was gone?! We agreed not to say anything to anyone. We’d wait a week. It was one of the longest, hardest weeks of my life. Pretending to be ok, while dealing with nausea and the uncertainty of the fate of my baby.

A week later I went again. I can’t remember why I didn’t take my husband with me. I was 9 weeks. The doctor took me to the ultrasound room, there was no heartbeat. The baby hadn’t grown. It was still measuring 7 weeks. I was devastated. We agreed I’d be admitted on Thursday morning to try to induce the miscarriage. I was terrified of having a D&C and told my doctor I was willing to do anything to avoid one. I called my sister in law (a doctor) she was very sympathetic and kind. She suggested I go to another hospital and get another opinion to give me peace of mind. I called my other sister in law (R & K’s mom) I told her everything and asked if I she could take my kids while I went to get a second opinion. I also asked if she could pick up my kids after school the next day since I would be admitted at the hospital and my husband would be with my all day.   She was very supportive and told me not to worry about my kids. We agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone not even my mother in law who we live with. She was out of town for a couple of days and wouldn’t be home until hopefully this was all over. After going to a second hospital and getting a second opinion I had accepted that it was true and there was no heartbeat. It was the hardest thing ever. Accepting it was important so I could accept being admitted the next day. I had one fear, needing a D&C I really didn’t want one. I was afraid of being put under genal anesthesia. I was afraid that something would happen that would delay or affect me getting pregnant again. I remember going home and cooking a lot of food so we had enough to eat for the next couple of days. I know my husband would have managed but I guess that was my way of dealing with everything. The next day we dropped the kids off at school and went to the hospital. There was a mix up and we had to wait longer than expected. I was finally admitted. After I was in my room we waited for the on call doctor to come and give me my first dose of Cytotec. After a while the cramps started and I asked for something for the pain. I won’t go into detail. I miscarried and didn’t need a D&C thankfully. I was discharged the next day.

I didn’t realize how much I would grieve my tiny baby. It made me realize that grief and faith are different. You can have faith in God and what He chooses for you. You will accept it, but you can still feel sad. So many things triggered my emotions, seeing a pegnant woman, or a baby, walking past the baby section at the store. It was all hard. My daughter’s friend had a new baby sister, I couldn’t visit her mom at the hospital. It was too much for me. I confess I ate my emotions and gained a lot of weight. It took me a while to feel better physically and emotionally. Going back to the gym helped a lot, but it took me a while until I felt physically capable. People might think, because you miscarriaged, you don’t need time to rest and heal physically, but you do. Your body did go through two major changes in a short period of time. You need to give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically. There is no specific time line, give yourself time. Listen to your body. Ask your doctor before starting any intense exercise.

With my second miscarriage, we told my mother in law, my parents and siblings right away. I knew I would need their support through this pregnancy and hopefully share the joy when we met our baby. Unfortunately, we never saw a baby. The sac was empty from the start. They call it a blighted ovum. I went to a different hospital that was closer to my house to do the daily blood tests and get a second opinion. My numbers weren’t rising and when the doctor finally agreed to do an ultrasound the sac was shrinking and collapsing. It did give me closure. I knew for sure there was no baby. We waited until I was 10 weeks because I wanted to miscarry naturally. I ended up being admitted again, Cytotec, no D&C. I was discharged the same day.

This time emotionally I was stronger. I let myself grieve.  I didn’t eat my emotions. I dealt with the grief better. It’s hard because you blame yourself. Was it something I did? Could I have prevented it? The answer is no. You didn’t do anything. You couldn’t prevent it. Don’t blame yourself. You can feel all the motions there is no right way to grieve. I t doesn’t mean you are weak, it doesn’t mean you don’t have faith. It means you are human.

My husband had a harder time with the first miscarriage because he was caught off guard. He didi’t know much about miscarriages. The day we found out I had the worst nausea and could barely eat some cheerios. So, when I called him crying, telling him there was no heartbeat. He was in shock; how could this happen? Why?

With the second miscarriage I think waiting until 10 weeks helped us process things slowly. It was still hard. We did have some moments while we were waiting to be sure when things were so stressful. He was very supportive and I couldn’t have managed without him.

Having a miscarriage is hard. Everyone deals with it differently. It doesn’t matter how far along you were. It was a baby and your feelings are valid. Surround yourself with love and support. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t feel guilty. Believe it or not, your heart will hurt less day by day and you will move on. That doesn’t mean forgetting your little angle. Even if you are blessed with a rainbow baby, you will still have a place in your heart for your angel baby/babies.

Pregnancy

Pregnancy, such a delicate subject. Especially when you’ve been through a miscarriage or struggled with infertility. I’ve been lucky that I didn’t have fertility issues but I know many people close to me who do. I’ve been through two miscarriages and I know how hard that can be.

I’ve learned so much through my experiences with pregnancy, I’ve been pregnant seven times, I have five healthy kids and two angel babies. Each pregnancy was different. Some easier than others. Some that ended too soon… but I’m not going to talk about my miscarriages today. Today I want to talk about my pregnancies.

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or any type of medical profession. I am sharing my experiences with pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different. I’ve been pregnant 7 times and each was different. I love my kids SO much and every time I found out I was pregnant I was over joyed! It is such a blessing!

I think people tend to focus on the positive (which isn’t bad) but, we need to talk about the negatives sometimes so people who go through them find support, it helps when you read stories you can relate to. It helps when you know you’re not alone. It seems like people feel like they are supposed to smile politely and say: I’m fine thank you. Whenever someone asks how they are doing. But in reality they want to say: the 24 hour nausea is killing me!

I think the hardest part is dealing with people who haven’t experienced it and expect you to glow and walk around happy like you’re a pregnant fairy sprinkling fairy dust as you float around! Can you imagine a pregnant fairy.?! (hahaha)

People need to be realistic, think of it this way. If you have a stomach bug, you’ll have to deal with nausea and vomiting. People will feel bad for you and wish you get well soon. But with pregnancy, since it’s a normal symptom, you should just tough it up and deal with it?! Yes, we are happy we are pregnant! No, it is not fun feeling like crap all day! I know from my experiences and people close to me that there are different levels of feeling like crap. Some people have a medical condition that causes them to be hospitalized because the nausea and vomiting is so bad they are in danger of dehydration and malnourishment! For some people it’s not as bad. But it’s still all hard in its own way and you should never compare.

I confess my first pregnancy wasn’t that bad, and I enjoyed most of it. So, I was that annoying person who told everyone to enjoy their pregnancy. The rest of my pregnancies taught me a lesson! I learned that it isn’t always easy to enjoy your pregnancy. There are good things about being pregnant, like seeing the baby on the ultrasound, feeling the kicks, my hair does get thicker and my nails stronger. It’s exciting and amazing growing a human inside your belly! It is such a gift. That makes it all worth going through all the unpleasant symptoms.

Another important thing you should remember is: you shouldn’t assume that just because she started the second trimester, she is automatically going to feel great and have that pregnancy glow everyone talks about. It’s so hard to glow when you are either nauseas or just threw up! You see we do get super powers when we are pregnant: Super smelling! Which is the worst thing possible because it’s not normal smelling, no, no. Your sense of smell has gone crazy, and now things you used to love, like perfume or coffee smell revolting! It’s hard when you are a coffeeholic and chocoholic (like me) and suddenly you can’t stand the smell or taste of them! You might think, well you hate coffee now so what’s the big deal? You simply don’t drink it, right? Nope, because your brain wants coffee but your nose and stomach don’t. So, it’s difficult mentally. With my last pregnancy I couldn’t smell or drink coffee and coffee is LIFE to me. I was sad, not to mention caffeine withdrawal and headaches. I eventually started drinking ice tea. It was my caffeine fix.

With my pregnancies, the farther along I was the more the nausea decreased. But of course, the bigger the baby grew, the smaller my stomach became and the more I had heartburn. I usually would have to eat dinner early and still have to sleep on multiple pillows with of course my new best friend: my body pillow. I only bought it for my last pregnancy but it was the best thing I ever did!

One of the joys of pregnancy is having to choose between not eating and dealing with the nausea or eating and dealing with the heartburn. It’s a lot of fun. Because your muscles are more relaxed and you have acid reflux. It’s like everything gives you heartburn so you might think: eat things that don’t cause heartburn. while there is a huge difference between eating a spicy burrito or a banana. If your body decides it wants to give you heartburn it will give you heartburn and there is no way you can lay down afterwards, hence the pile of pillows on your bed.

Apart from the food aversions and nausea, you have to realize that your hormones literally go crazy! It’s the hardest thing to deal with for you and the unfortunate souls who live with you. I like to think I’m a fairly reasonable person and I’m not too dramatic or sensitive. But when I’m pregnant, or breastfeeding, I become the most sensitive person ever! I could usually make a list of reasons why I cried each day. In my head I would be rolling my eyes at myself and thinking seriously hormones calm down. But it wasn’t something I could always control.

With my first pregnancy, my nausea wasn’t that bad but I soon discovered that it is actually all day sickness and not morning sickness, I had a healthy appetite in general, a few aversions, craved unhealthy snacks. (which was so not me) I indulged in my cravings and experience heartburn for the first time in my life. Not pleasant at all. I suddenly hated chicken and meat but could manage to eat it if it was mixed with something else. I slept a lot which was not ideal since it was my senior year of college. I managed to graduate (without telling anyone at college I was pregnant except my college professor, she was so supportive!)  I enjoyed my pregnancy in general. I wasn’t in a hurry to go into labor because that was the unknown to me. I was so content with my big belly and baby kicking inside. I carried my sweet boy for 42 weeks than had to be induced because I was overdue and the baby was measuring big. (all my kids do) I remember going to the hospital on a crisp November morning. I had no idea what was coming and I was so excited!

With my second pregnancy I hated a lot of food, including milk (which I usually love!) and drank about 2 liters of chocolate milk a day (all that sugar!!) I also would buy lots of chocolate bars, and eat them by myself (more sugar) I also started getting contractions during the second trimester and after being monitored was put on a medicine that stopped them but caused heart palpitations (so much fun...) I would take the pill twice a day and I’d have to put my toddler in the baby safe living room to play and watch tv (I know horrible but my husband was at work and I was alone) then I’d lay on the sofa for an hour or so until my heart palpitations would stop. The contractions never stopped so I took two steroid injections for her lungs in case she was born early. (She wasn’t, but she’s the only one of my kids that was born screaming!)

With my third I was much more active, no contractions, my nausea wasn’t so bad but I did always have a nasty taste in my mouth (the one thing all my pregnancies had in common) I’d eat sunflower seeds all day to keep the taste away.

His birth was also the fastest, I remember my water starting to leak, I was a couple of days over due… So I went walking up hill against the wind while my husband had the two kids in the car with him following me. I always say what helped move him in position was me jumping over a drain.. hahahaha. My husband  still remembers. We had spicy shrimp for dinner than I walked around the house while everyone slept. We drove to the hospital in the morning, he was born a few hours later.

With my fourth the nausea was much worse, I would start my day with a pear or apple. It really helped my empty stomach calm down and ease the nausea. Cooking was always a challenge. I’d be cooking lamb and it would smell to me like a had a live lamb in the kitchen with me! I would put ranch dressing on everything to help me eat until I reached a point where I hated ranch! Ha! I would have a salad for dinner with steamed broccoli and raw ramen noodles crushed up mixed with the powder spice that comes with it. Pregnancy does crazy things to your taste buds. Sometimes it was so hard to eat and I’d crave something and when I ate it the baby would hate it. Like, seriously baby? What do you want? I also started getting contractions early and was given weekly injections, not fun but at least it didn’t cause heart palpitations.

Fruit has always been my friend throughout all my pregnancies. Sometimes I’d take bites of watermelon in between bites of food to help me keep it down, or I’d keep a pear or an apple on the table just in case.

When I was pregnant with my first angel baby, I had the usual bad taste in my mouth, nausea (especially in the morning) , with my second angel baby the symptoms were milder (I will write about my miscarriages in a separate post)

With my last pregnancy, I hated all food. I craved nothing. I’d force myself to eat, it was so difficult, especially trying to hide it from my kids. We didn’t want them to know until I was in the second trimester and we were sure the baby was ok. I had done a lot of blood tests after my second miscarriage and the doctor said I needed to take baby aspirin as soon as we started trying to get pregnant. I started blood thinner injections as soon as a got a positive home pregnancy test. I’ve always been afraid of needles and couldn’t even prick my finger for a blood sugar test. But somehow, I managed to give myself injections daily for nine months. It wasn’t easy. I had days where I didn’t think I could do it. But I did. Becoming a mom gives you strength you didn’t know you had. For all of the first trimester and some of the second I continued to hate food. I’d force myself to eat healthy food. I didn’t crave anything. Then slowly the nausea went away and eating was easier. I craved salads mostly. I was so hot all the time and we slept with the AC on its coldest settings with my dressed as lightly as possible and my husband in a sweatshirt...

I had a scare at 10 weeks. (TMI alert!) I passed a clot so big it woke me up. I woke up and stood up and turned on the light. My husband woke up startled, he asked me what was wrong and I told him I passed something. I was so scared! I went to the bathroom and new as soon as I saw it that it was only a blood clot. (The things you learn after miscarriages...) My husband asked me if wanted to go to the hospital. I didn’t, I knew there was nothing they could do and they’d just keep me over night. I’d rather go in the morning and see a doctor at the clinic. We tried to go back to sleep. In the morning we dropped the kids off at school and went to my appointment. I had to go to a doctor I didn’t know since my doctor was on maternity leave. The baby was ok! That was all that mattered. The doctor was very pessimistic and unhelpful. I tried not to worry about everything she said. She said a had multiple subchorionic hematomas. Maybe they were caused by the blood thinners but maybe not, it was a risk to stop them so she decreased my dose. She also said the nuchal translucency was above normal meaning the baby might have down syndrome. She said if the hematomas increased it might lead to a miscarriage. She said if I miscarried it meant the baby was probably abnormal and is for the best! Like I said: she was pessimistic and very unhelpful.

My husband was overwhelmed. He didn’t understand everything she said. When we left, I explained everything to him and reassured him that I wasn’t worried and I had put my faith in God. I knew that ultrasounds weren’t a very reliable indicator of Down syndrome. Even if the baby did have Down syndrome we would love him as much as the rest of our kids. We called my sister in law who’s a doctor and her husband an OBGYN. They also were very reassuring and told me not to worry about miscarrying. We didn’t tell anyone else any of this because we honestly didn’t believe we had cause to worry. The doctor had put me on modified bed rest. Bed rest with 4 kids is hard. We managed. We hired someone to come help with the house work once a week. I’d sleep all morning so I had energy when the kids came back from school. I tried my best to rest and walk only when necessary. Kept my feet up when I could and hoped for the best. When my doctor came back she reassured me everything was ok and increased my dose of blood thinners to my original dose.

The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful thankfully. I still struggled with eating. I craved McDonalds which wasn’t something we ate back then (and rarely do now) so I had to explain to my kids that the baby was craving McDonald’s and if it was ok if I had some. They all told me it was ok because the baby made me do it. (so cute hahaha) Then I started craving salads. It was so hot and this baby really made me hot all the time so eating hot food was not appealing to me at all. I would try to add some sort of protein to my salad and usually had a salad for lunch and dinner. Breakfast had been eggs and ramen noodles with LOTS of fresh green onions on top since the beginning. Green onions was my favorite thing throughout this pregnancy and I put it on almost everything. I actually discovered how good eggs, ramen noodles and fresh green onions were during my second pregnancy and even though I don’t usually eat ramen noodles. Its something I’ve craved throughout my pregnancies in various forms.

As difficult as pregnancy is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: as soon as you give birth, most of pregnancy symptoms disappear like magic! The nausea, the heartburn, puffy toes and cankles…are all gone as soon as the baby is safe in your arms. Its definitely worth it.

My mom birthday

Photo of most the parenting books I used to own.

(Written on November 21st,2022)

All of my children’s births were special to me and their birthdays are a day to celebrate that special day, but, my eldest’s birthday is different because that is the day I became a mother. That is my mom birthday. I told you how, before he was born I read all the books, did all the research. Which did not prepare me for becoming a mother. It didn’t prepare me for how much I was going to change, physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s amazing and can be overwhelming at times.

Before I became a mom, I admit that I wasn’t the type who doted over babies or volunteered to change diapers. I confess that I changed my youngest brother’s diaper with the help of my other brother and the shower. It was just too much for me back then. Its funny how you become immune to the grossness of poop and other bodily fluids and you wipe noses, try to catch vomit in various vessels, your hand being one option, completely unphased. That’s what becoming a mother did to me. It also made me that person who will kiss a grubby finger because it hurts or hug a sniffling toddler and let them use you as their personal tissue. Your standards change, your priorities change. What’s a clean t shirt next to a sick child you’ve comforted? You can wash the t shirt. The child needs you now. It doesn’t always have to be like that it mostly isn’t, but you have those moments. Moments when you will sit on the ground in the park to kiss his dirty knee and hug away the pain, because sometimes moms have that super power. I wish we always did.

Something about a mother gives you the power to know when something isn’t right, and when everything is ok and he’s just faking because he wants to miss science class. I took my son in to the ER even though his foot wasn’t visibly injured, but he was complaining that it hurt and he never complains, so I had to be sure. He had a fracture in his foot and it was put in a cast. You won’t always know, that’s ok. We are human after all.

You will do things wrong, and learn with your baby. Some things may seem wrong at the time but you will look back and realize it wasn’t wrong, like holding your baby in your arms watching them sleep. They grow up too fast. If you don’t have to be anywhere, if you don’t need to do anything, hold your baby, enjoy these moments, they will grow so quickly and before you know it they are 15! Where did the time go?

I remember one of the crazy things I did to my oldest. I had been gifted different types of thermometers so when he was sick I’d measure his temperature, with the forehead, pacifier thermometer, under the armpit. Of course, every temperature was different. Then, I’d call my sister in law who’s a doctor. Why is his temperature on top of his head higher than his temperature on his forehead? I remember her saying; what are you doing to that poor boy? You don’t need to check his temperature on various body parts! Hahah! I’ve come a long way, I promise.

As I sit here and write this on my eldest’s 15th birthday, I think about him and his siblings, what amazing humans they are growing up into. How different they are. Each with a unique personality. As they grow older, they give me hope that; yes, I am a good mom.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself, I’d tell her, you are going to become a great mom! I’d also tell her, you don’t have to lose yourself doing it.

Friday Mornings

It’s been a week since my sweet grandmother past away. Sometimes I forget that she passed away. Sometimes I don’t believe it. I’ve been thinking about Friday mornings all week. What will I do, how will I live through all the empty Friday mornings? Who do I call? What can I do to keep my grandmother’s memory alive? I still have no answer.

The last time I spoke to her before her stroke was 4 Friday’s ago. November 5th. I didn’t know it would be the last time. How could I know? I’m so glad I did speak to her. I’m so glad we had that weekly tradition. I’m so glad I tried my best never to skip a Friday.

I don’t know what I want to say. I needed this weeks post to be about my grandmother. I couldn’t just go back to my normal subjects.

Don’t you wonder, when you lose someone you love; how does life keep going? How does the world continue to turn. How do the days simply pass, when she isn’t here anymore?

Yet, life goes on. We somehow find the strength. We manage to smile again and even laugh. It seems wrong at first, but it isn’t. It’s ok. We can smile, laugh and continue to live. We can find joy in simple things. That doesn’t mean we miss them any less. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a little. We will still continue to live. Though life might change a little. That’s ok.

As for my Friday mornings, I still don’t know what I’m going to do with them. I’ll find a way to make them pass less painfully, while keeping her memory alive.

There are no words

I can’t find the words. How do you say it? How do you write about losing someone you love?

My grandmother had a stroke three weeks ago. She passed away Thursday.

It hurts so much to write this. It makes it more real. I apologize this week I will not have a new post.

In loving memory of my sweet grandmother.

Playdates

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

(Note: This was written on October 18th 2021. Elementary school was still doing distance learning at the time.)

Have you ever woke up feeling like you don’t have it in you to adult? You don’t want to parent, you don’t want to be responsible for anything. Basically, you just want to stay in bed in your pajamas all day, playing on your phone eating chocolate. Thats how I felt yesterday morning. I was tired, after a couple of late nights with my 3 year old that ended with me falling asleep on the sofa… My coffee seemed to be broken. It wasn’t working. Could it be (gasp) decaf؟! No. it wasn’t. I just needed to sleep.

Instead of sleeping I took 4 out 5 kids to Chuckie Cheese to meet up with my 10 year old’s best friend who he hasn’t seen since March 2020 when schools closed.(Not an ideal afternoon for a sleepy mom.)

My plan was to stop by a cafe and get some real coffee for me and the friend’s mom but because of a new detour, and leaving the house at rush hour, we were late, so I didn’t. Friend’s mom also needed coffee so we ordered our coffee from Chuckie Cheese. Not the best coffee in the world. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t finish my cup. I love coffee and sometimes I’m picky. I did sip at it politely not wanting to offend a new potential friend. That’s the thing about meeting your kids’ friend’s moms. You really want to like them, so your kids have multiple playdates and see each other often, you have hopes that this person will like you too. Making friends as a kid was so simple. I remember my first day of school in Saudi Arabia. I was in the 5th grade. We had just moved back home after living the first part of my life in the US. I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t speak Arabic very well. The teacher had me sit at the round table in the back of the classroom until they brought me a desk. One of the students would look back and do a sad face-happy face (because apparently I had a sad face) then I smiled and were friends! That easy! As an adult it isn’t that simple. Though I think usually we are good at getting along with parents for the sake of our kids. But when you both click and become real friends, that is an added bonus. So many thoughts for a trip to a kid arcade/pizza place…

Thankfully the trip was a success! The kids had a blast. Friend’s mom seems like a potential friend, someone I wouldn’t mind spending time with every couple of weeks our kids could play together. Her kids were very well behaved and I wouldn’t mind having them over to play without their mom or with her. After two hours and a half of loud noises, kids running around, pizza, soda, cotton candy, cheap toy prizes and bad coffee. We went home. My kids all thanked me but my 10 year old thanked me multiple times all the way home. Definitely worth the headache.

We took the leftover pizza to my oldest (13) who enjoys an empty house and had a wonderful afternoon by himself. (Grandma was home downstairs) I knew the pizza wasn’t going to be enough for dinner and with the headache I had acquired throughout the day I ordered somethings to help make dinner (sandwiches) simple. Fresh spicy labna salad (a type of sandwich spread), and a bologna salad (not so heathy) I added a bag of potatoes sticks to share for added crunch. Dinner was simple and successful. I was on a role.

Grandparents

Image by Bishnu Sarangi from Pixabay

I am not one of those fortunate people who grew up with her grandparents around. I was born in the US. We moved back to Saudi Arabia before the 5th grade. By then, my paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather had passed away. (May God have mercy on their souls) Sadly, I don’t remember them at all.

 When we moved back home, I would cherish my time in Taif where my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather, but naturally as a kid, I spent most of time playing with my cousins and siblings.

 There will always be special memories of my summers in Taif: Breakfast on the front porch with my grandmother, always tea and usually zaa’tar and olive oil with pita bread. The weather in Taif is cooler since its high up on a mountain. My grandmother always has jasmine plants growing on her porch and you can usually smell it when there is a breeze.

Memories of my grandfather coming back from the fresh produce market with boxes of fresh fruit and vegetables. He is actually the one who taught me how good fresh figs are. I still remember how he peeled a fig for me and fed me himself. How delightfully surprised I was. They were nothing like the dried figs I knew. They are still one of my favorite fruits.

I remember how my grandfather’s house was always full in the summer or during religious holidays. Aunts, uncles, cousins, even distant relatives. Sometimes every room had mattresses and blankets and pillows all over the floor to accommodate everyone. Waking up to find the adults in the kitchen preparing huge pots of breakfast. Always lots of chatting and laughter.

I remember sleeping at my grandmother’s house, if it was only us, she’d let me sleep next to her. The best spot in the house. Or on the spare bed in the corner.  I also have memories of the living room filled with blankets and pillows and lots of cousins.

Somehow, the house work at my grandmother’s house was fun. We’d volunteer to do dishes, clean bathrooms or vacuum. Washing the tile floors outside was the most fun chore. Everything there was special. The afternoons when everyone would get together, each with a dish and we’d sit outside and listen to the adults talk or play cards on the porch. Simple pleasures.

I’ve been married for 16 years. Since I got married I stopped going to Taif on holidays. I didn’t see my grandparents and relatives often. I’m not very good at phone calls. I know I was busy with young children, but still I could have managed to call more often. When my grandfather passed away, my biggest regret was not calling him more often. So, I started calling my grandmother every day. Yes, every day. It was the best part of my day. I would talk about anything or just ask for a recipe. At first, she was surprised, then she started looking forward to my calls. When the phone rang in the evening she would say: that’s Nuha! Then, I started calling less frequently. Every Friday morning. I call her every week no matter what. Even if I’m out of town, even if I’m sick. I’ll call her, but I never tell her I’m sick. She’s a mom, she will worry. Its unnecessary to make her, worry.

It’s been almost 9 years since my grandfather passed away. As much as I miss him, I look at it as 9 years of connecting with my grandmother. I’m so grateful for every phone call, every conversation. Even when she was busy and would cut the phone call short in her sweet way: “Thank you my dear, (she literally says “my eye” which means my dear or the apple of my eye) thank you my dear, Alhamdulillah that you are well and we are well. Good bye.”

Even though my parents live in another city. My kids are still pretty close with them. Especially my mom. They will take my phone when I’m talking to her so they can talk to her by themselves. They even FaceTime her on their own. We are lucky technology has made it so much easier for us to connect.

I live with my mother in law. I think that is the best gift we were able to give our kids. Living with their grandmother. Making so may memories. She waits by the door in the mornings before they go to school to hand them a banana or a date cookie (mamoul) to eat on the way. She always has lunch at 1 pm but when my boys started coming home later, she delayed her lunch. It’s important to her (and to us) that we have lunch together. My 11 year old is a bit of a picky eater. When she makes something he doesn’t like, she makes sure there is something he likes to eat. She is always on my kids’ side, but she isn’t the type of grandmother who spoils kids in a bad way. She’s the best and we are so lucky to live with her.

Age

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Last Friday was my birthday. It’s a milestone birthday. There are two things I will never share with anyone: my age and weight. I used to say I was 16 until my kids started growing older and that wouldn’t work anymore. My oldest is 14, he will turn 15 in November inshallah! When my kids ask me how old I am, I tell them I’m one hundred years old, haha! They know I’m not of course, but I don’t think it’s necessary for them to know. I honestly think unless you’re my doctor, you don’t need to know my age.

I confess that two years ago, when I realized that I’d reach this milestone in two years, it caught me off guard, I’m so used to not saying my age that I honestly forget how old I am. I was shocked! Am I going to be that old in two years! Yes, I was!

 It got me thinking, what have I done in my life. Am I where I want to be? What have I accomplished? Then I slowly realized, I wasn’t that old. I wasn’t old at all. I still could accomplish whatever I wanted. Honestly, age is just a number. When you’re an adult, it’s not about your age. It’s about your mindset, your maturity, your drive to be successful. There isn’t a specific age that decides whether you will be successful in life.

There are so many stories of people who became successful, famous, received noble peace prizes after the age of 40!

“Laura Ingalls Wilder spent her later years writing semi-autobiographical stories using her educated daughter, Rose, as an editor. She published the first in the “Little House” books at age 65 in 1932. They soon became children's literary classics and the basis for the TV show “Little House on the Prairie.””

So, there is still hope that achieve my childhood dream and become a famous writer! Why not?

The prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) became a prophet at the age of 40! I think it says a lot when God chooses this age.

I started this blog on the 1st of October, my birthday month. Here I am starting something new and I’m that old!

I’m slowly realizing that I should be proud, I have 5 beautiful, smart, kind, bilingual kids. My husband is successful at his job and part of his success is my love and support. I do as much as I can so he can focus on his career. I am so proud of him. I am proud to be his wife. I am proud to be the mother of my children. I know I’ve doubted myself as a mother, but we really shouldn’t. We are doing our best. We also need to remember that our partners success is our success too. Why do we take ourselves for granted? I’m slowly learning not to.

So, as I reflect on my age, and what I’ve accomplished. I can say that yes, I am happy with where I am. It’s ok that I’m not making a living as an interior designer. That doesn’t mean it’s too late to start one day, if I want to. If I want to do something else, that’s fine. Why do we make these rules for ourselves? Life is never going to be perfect. It wasn’t meant to be. The important thing is to be content with what we have. Always count our blessings and find gratitude and joy in the little things. Everyone is going through something. We need to  smile more, dream a lot and never give up on ourselves.

October

My Dream Travel Notebook

Last year (2021) the month of October was a month of celebrations, new beginnings and firsts. We celebrated R’s clear x rays (Read R’s story here) It was the month I finally bought my own domain and started writing in my blog. It’s also the month I traveled with my husband, without our kids for the first time! That was a huge milestone for us.

It started with my husband taking two weeks off work. Which he rarely does and really needed. So, we started planning a trip to Mecca (the Holy Mosque) with his mom. I asked my sister in law who has two boys my kids ages if she could come over and spend the weekend at our house with the kids. She agreed.

Then, when we were planning we had to postpone the trip to Mecca to the week after. So, my husband asked me: would you like to go to Dubai? Which of course I answered; Yes! I also really needed a break and although we’ve travelled a lot with the kids, we’ve never travelled without the kids. So, we started planning for our trip to Dubai during the last weekend in October which by coincidence was also my birthday. We don’t really celebrate birthdays but it was very special spending my birthday with my husband in Dubai. 

Thursday morning, we said goodbye to my two oldest and they went to school as usual. Then when my husband came back from dropping our daughter off, we said goodbye to the boys at home and their grandmother. My sister in law would come as soon as her kids finished exams and she finished work. Her boys still did school online, and she worked on line too.  Anyway, before I left I was feeling guilty so I ordered donuts for the kids. The donuts helped occupy my youngest. (he loves donuts because during 2020 when they lifted lockdown we would take them for a ride in the car and then my husband would go down and buy donuts. Let’s not talk about how much sugar we ate throughout 2020… that is a post of its own.)

We got in our Uber and we were on our way to the airport! With only two carry on bags and us! (I will brag that I am the queen of packing light and we once went to Malaysia with 5 kids for over two weeks and a day in Dubai with only two big suitcases and one carry on for Dubai. Yes, that too is a post of its own.) 

We arrived at the airport walked towards our gate and bought sandwiches and cappuccinos and sat down to wait for our flight to be called. We had skipped breakfast at home, there wasn’t any time and I was a little nervous leaving the house. I couldn’t help it, this was the first time I had left my kids since becoming a mom, that almost 14 years! I finished my sandwich quickly, the way any mom would. I didn’t realize how fast I ate until this trip and our trip to Mecca. I could easily be one of those youtubers who stuff their mouths and eat a truck load of food in seconds. Hahaha. But I’d gain a truckload of weight and probably have heartburn forever. (That last sentence made me feel old.. (eye roll)

The airplane was pleasantly quiet, maby one baby. The joys of traveling early in the morning on school day. I did have some teary-eyed moments thinking about leaving my kids. I tried not to feel guilty. I knew they would be fine and they would have a blast with their cousins sleeping over.

We arrived on time and grabbed a cab to the hotel. I think walking into our hotel room was the moment that we fully realized that we were alone. Well almost, the next morning when we went down to breakfast, after we picked a table, my husband told me to go get breakfast first, then we realized there were no kids to sit with at the table and we both laughed.  We are used to taking turns getting breakfast so someone stays with the kids at the table. I usually go first with the kids and help them get breakfast. Then I sit and help cut pancakes and waffles and make sure no juice gets spilled while my husband gets his breakfast. Then he comes back and I go get my breakfast. Sitting down to breakfast just the two of us was nice for a change.

We spent our three days in Dubai indulging in restaurants that don’t sell chicken nuggets and fries, drinking lots of coffee, talking a lot (and sometimes enjoying each other’s silence) and walking a lot. We did a little shopping. We didn’t really focus on gifts. Just things we came across that reminded us of someone. We had small suitcases and not much space and we were away to relax. We explored different places in Dubai that we’ve never been to with our kids. It had been over two years and a half since we’d been there (not counting the one day lay over after Malaysia) and there were a lot of new places!

I love traveling with my kids, but traveling without them was wonderful. I would definitely do it again. No guilt. I know it’s natural to feel guilty. I tried my best throughout the trip to not feel guilty and not check the cameras I have at home constantly. I even realized that while we were out and about, turning off the internet on my phone was wise because the kids would keep sending me messages and I didn’t need to reply immediately, if there was something urgent their aunt would call us. When we’d sit down somewhere for a coffee or a meal I’d check my messages quickly just in case there was something I needed to reply to, usually school related, then I’d turn off the internet again. I think it was good for my kids and for me to be a apart for a couple of days. I think that made them appreciate me more. I know sometimes we can take people for granted when they are always there.

This year, I actually started planning our trip to Dubai in my little dream travel notebook. We had already decided that we would go again in October. The weather is nicer at the end of October but we decided to go at the beginning of October because rates are better and it is a little less crowded. I had a (short) list of places I wanted to go to. Last year I had done zero planning, I was too busy worrying and feeling guilty. It’s a good thing I had planned ahead because the week before I was too busy worrying and feeling guilty again, but for different reasons. There seems to be a pattern… Definitely need to do more planning next year. Yes, I want there to be a next year- God Willing- The weekend away made a huge difference for both of us. We are both exhausted and stressed with daily life. Time away was just what we needed!

This year all the kids were attending school so we dropped them off and said goodbye and rushed back home, picked up our suitcases and said goodbye to my MIL. This time we decided to drive to the airport ourselves. We arrived with time to spare so after we checked in we went to the frequent flyer’s lounge for breakfast. Another, no kids, moment. It’s nice to only worry about feeding me for a change. Haha. I tried sleeping on the plane, I hadn’t slept well, worrying of course, I couldn’t help it.

This time I worried less, I knew now that the Earth wouldn’t stop spinning and my kids would be fine without me for a couple of days. I new my SIL would take care of them. I knew now that rationally, I had no reason to worry.

We had three amazing days in Dubai. We ate amazing food, drank lots of coffee, shopped at selected stores. I checked off almost everything off my list. We talked, we walked, we enjoyed our time alone. I am so grateful for the opportunity to spend time alone as a couple and reconnect.

I missed my kids of course and I know I value my time with them even more now and will try to give them more time individually.

October 25th

A couple of weeks back, I was going to post something on Instagram. I started by simply wanting to post a photo of the flowers I bought myself, something I started doing when I realized I didn’t need to wait for someone to buy me flowers. Then since I had bought some pink roses with my orange lilies. I thought I would post about breast cancer awareness. I started going through the hashtag on Instagram. I found a lot of posts from cancer survivors. They said seeing all the posts about cancer awareness was a trigger for them and difficult to be constantly reminded.

I think I understand. Cancer is such a difficult disease.  I have never had cancer but my husband’s nephew R (our son by milk) was diagnosed with cancer in April 2021. He was 11 at the time. It was a very difficult time for everyone close to him. Both families are very close and we see each other at least once a week. There were times when they would come back from school to our house every day.

When his mom called me and told me they found “something” in his lungs. I still remember all the details, I was in café with my husband. The kids were still doing distant learning. Elementary studied in the afternoon. My husband had the day off and we snuck out for a cup of coffee while the kids were in their classes. I’m glad I wasn’t at home when she called me.  I took her phone call not expecting to hear those words. I didn’t understand. I had so many questions but I didn’t ask. She didn’t have any answers. They wanted a second opinion. She said they probably wouldn’t be coming over later. (It was a Thursday then end of the week\start of the weekend for us. They usually came over.) I hung up and my husband looked at me concerned. What was wrong? I told him I don’t know. I tried telling him. We decided to leave. I started crying in the car. My husband tried to reassure me when he wasn’t sure himself.

The next week was a blur, making an appointment at a different hospital. Taking the x rays and CT scan from the first hospital. The first hospital had said it might be an infection, it gave us some hope. The second hospital was a larger government hospital. They transferred him to the children’s cancer hospital, they said it was obviously a mass in the lungs, they needed to take a biopsy and make sure if it was benign or not. Waiting was hard. We tried to just get through each day by day. The day we found out it wasn’t benign, I went to a room by myself and sobbed. I cried and cried until my oldest sister in law. (she’s a doctor) called me, looking for me. She had come over to tell my mother in law and m the news in person. I told her I was crying. She told me not to come until I was done. She understood I needed to cry. But we needed to be strong in front of my mother in law. I knew I needed to get all the emotions and tears out. I need to be strong for my sister in law (R’s mother), my mother in law, and my kids.

Telling my kids was so hard. My older kids had a vague idea what cancer was, they mostly thought that cancer meant death for sure. I explained to them that, cancer was a disease like any other disease and God had the power to heal. We needed to keep our faith in this difficult time. I let them ask questions and I held my daughter as we cried together. Each of my kids cried at different times throughout the six months. It is so hard for adults, so can you imagine children dealing with this!

K, R’s brother (also our son by milk) showed so much strength, but he also had his moments. I am still in awe at R and how he dealt with everything. He had his moments, naturally, but he was amazing. He has dealt with this entire journey so well. They both have their mom to thank, she is an amazing mom. She has shown so much strength. She helped them through this. She knew how to deal with each difficult moment. I have learned so much from her.

The next six months were hard.  I tried to take K, R’s brother whenever I could. I would take my kids over to visit him when he didn’t feel like coming to our house while his brother and mother were hospitalized. When R started losing his hair his brother K shaved his head and then my two oldest boys asked me to shave their heads too. It was such an emotional time.  I was so proud of my kids for being so compassionate. and supportive of their siblings.

There are so many details that I remember. But I don’t want to write about them. You see I understand when cancer survivors say cancer awareness posts are triggering for them. Looking back at my photos from those long six months is triggering for me. I know technically I’m not R’s mom. That didn’t make it any easier. Being on the sidelines, trying to be supportive and helpful but not pushy or intrusive. Being there, but giving them space. Helping my kids cope, coping on my own. Being optimistic and keeping faith. Honestly the main thing that helped that period was my faith. I trusted that God would heal R. The journey was still was hard. It was so much harder for R and his family, but honestly, we are one family. We were the only people who visited them when R’s immune system was strong enough. We’d wear masks and try our best to get the kids to keep their distance. We celebrated every single milestone: (half way done/second to last chemo/finishing chemo/ getting clear x rays! Each milestone was a reason to celebrate. I still remember the day he came home from the hospital after his last does of chemo. (October 6th) We surprised him with balloons and celebrated together. I remember hugging his mom as we sobbed together, tears of relief and joy.

Every appointment since is a mini celebration. Even over a year later, there are so many mini milestones, going back to school, his 6 month checkup, his portal removal…

Having cancer during the pandemic made it harder. He went back a year after his peers. His brother did too so he wouldn’t risk getting sick from school and R catching it. The thought of him catching COVID was scary. Again, our faith in God was so much help. Here we are a year since he finished treatment, since we found out he is cancer free. His next appointment is in December. We are optimistic. We have our faith in God.

Baker’s Block

My ancient cooking notebook.

You know how writer’s sometimes get writer’s block? Well, I don’t know if this phrase exists for bakers but I’ve had what I call “baker’s block” for the longest time. I think it started while I was pregnant with my youngest, I was on modified bed rest, I did bake a little. When he was a baby I also would bake a little.  I can’t really blame pregnancy or having an infant. I’m not sure what happened, I just became uninspired to bake. It wasn’t laziness. At the time I had a full time helper, she would help me when I made cookies or cupcakes and help me clean up after. I don’t know what it was. I just didn’t want to bake.

During the pandemic when we were on lock down I started baking again. It was my outlet.  I would take out my stress on the pizza dough I made, or cinnamon roll dough. I would bake cookies, cakes and cupcake… I made new recipes and old recipes.  I was keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t think about everything I was worried about. It helped. I baked a lot for Eid during lockdown. (a Muslim holiday) Then, when lockdown lifted and life started going back to normal, I stopped baking again.

You might think, but you’re so busy! Yes, I am, but that’s not the reason. I don’t know what is. You see, not baking is strange for me. I’ve always baked. I still remember the apple cinnamon cake I made with my sister. I was 9 or 10. Our mom helped with the oven. My specialty has always been cookies. My cakes were usually flat as pancakes except much denser. I had no patients and would put all the ingredients in one after the other. I remember when we first got married, before I had a stand up mixer, I tried making a cake, whisking the eggs into an airy frothy fluff did not happen, I realized that I was looking at pancake thin cake mix, so I turned it into cookie dough and made yummy chocolate chip cookies! I didn’t learn to bake cakes until I was a mother and had kids. I also had much more patience.

With my older kids I was the mom that always sent homemade treats. If the letter of the week was C, I’d send cat shapes cookies. Mini sheep cupcakes for Eid Al Adha (the second Muslim holiday) I enjoyed myself and it brought joy to my kids and their classmates. I have hundreds of cookies cutters, I’m not kidding. I have a lot of baking tools. Especially for cookies. I have a Madeline tray I bought years ago that I’ve never tried. Hopefully that will be one of the recipes I share here.

I used to dream of opening my own bakery. I’ve had multiple dream partners, my husband’s niece, my mom. I’ve actually done research and thought of names and logos. It developed into my “dream” party planning business. It’s nice to have a dream but its much nicer achieving the dream. Realistically, I plan on starting with my party planning business, since I can start on line. It’s actually scary writing this down because it makes it more real. It means I have to really work for this and achieve it and hopefully succeed. My dream is to extend my party planning business to including themed desserts. It’s so much fun baking to a theme. Bat shaped cookies and mummy pizza. I confess not everything I bake looks as aesthetically pleasing as I imagine it would, but I can honestly say everything tastes good. so I have that going for me.

In an attempt to get myself out of this rut, I’m going to make a list of things I want to bake this week and hopefully cross them off. I’ll post on Instagram and Pinterst photos of what I’ve baked and I’ll post the recipes here.

Nuha’s Baking Challenge: (List not necessarily in order)

1.     Sugar cookies:

I think I’ll bake sugar cookies because I have a new cookie cutter I want to try. I’ll post a photo on Instagram when I bake.

2.     Banana bread- mini cupcakes:

I baked so many of these during the pandemic after I accidently ordered way too many bananas and had to freeze a bunch. (I peel them, wrap them in plastic wrap and freeze them.)

3.     Chocolate chip oatmeal cookies:

I use my mom’s recipe. They are amazing!

4.     Cinnamon rolls.

5.     Pizza:

My kids have been asking for pizza the past week and I’ve been meaning to make some but, in my defense, we were busy with midterms. They even offered to help. I will defiantly take them up on their offer.

I’m not sure if 5 is over ambitious. I will try to bake in the mornings when the kids are at school. I think I can do this. Follow me on Instagram and Pinterest to see my progress this week.

Thoughts on Parenting

If I were to write a parenting book, the first thing I would write is: parenting is hard! It is! Why beat around the bush about it? Second thing: it is SO rewarding. You just need to remember to be open minded and flexible. There is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting.

I was in college in my senior year when I become pregnant with my first. You may think I was crazy, but his pregnancy was planned and much welcome. You see, we had it all planned out: I would get pregnant during the second semester. So, I would give birth after I graduated. A solid plan, right? What could go wrong? Especially since I was still in “college student mode” and had bought multiple books about pregnancy and parenting. I had started doing research before we even started trying. So, I was almost an expert, right? I know all you moms are laughing now. It’s ok, laugh. I was so naive back then. Hahaha

The main thing I didn’t think about was all day sickness. (aka morning sickness) I didn’t know that one pregnancy symptom was sleeping all day, or at least wanting to sleep all day. It’s really hard to do that when you have a graduation project to finish. I’m lucky my pregnancy was fairly easy and I managed to graduate. But that’s not the point, the point is, even though I read books and did my research, I wasn’t prepared. Why you may ask? because everyone’s experience is different. You will definitely learn from parenting books and pregnancy books but in the end, your experience is going to be different.

The same goes with raising your kids. I do encourage reading books and listing to experts but honestly, there are some things that only you will know what is best for your kids. I’m always telling my kids; each mom has her own rules and that doesn’t mean anyone is right or anyone is wrong. I know we all secretly judge people sometimes. Especially moms. It’s so hard being a mom. you could be doing something that seems wrong or strange to the outsider but you have a very good reason doing it. We shouldn’t judge each other when we don’t really know all the details of your life. From experience I can tell you, every time I judge a mother, even if only to myself, I found myself doing that exact same thing in the future! I would remember my superior judgmental thoughts, then I would realize that now I was in this situation and I didn’t have another choice. It may hurt my pride, but I’ve learned my lesson!

As a new mom I had so many superior ideas! I “knew” so much about parenting. I read all the books remember? I was also a member of multiple parenting websites. (which area awesome! Especially the forums!) I was definitely an expert (or so I thought) and I had so many rules about how to care for my oldest. Poor baby he was my little Guinea pig that I did all my experiments on. I mean it in the most loving way. The way a new mother would care for her first born.

I tried my best. I learned so much! I learned that there are lots of things you won’t agree about with other mother, giving sips of water so the baby doesn’t go cross eyed. (old wive’s tale, babies don’t need water until they are 12 months, a sip, every now and then won’t do any harm) (read more) Getting the umbilical cord wet before it falls off (I did so much research on that back then, apparently there is no right, lots of studies using alcohol swabs and keeping it dry, lots of studies say getting it wet is fine.) But as a sleep deprived, crazy hormone new mom, of course I was right! (read more)

Back then I may have been too pro breastfeeding. I know breast feeding is good for the baby and the mother, but it isn’t always what’s best for the baby or mother. My 3rd taught me how hard latching can be.  I remember thinking if he was my first, I would have immediately given up! It was so hard! But we managed. My 5th baby taught me that “fed is best”! He is the only one of my children who took formula as a newborn, he didn’t start exclusively breastfeeding until about a month after his birth. It was really hard and took a lot of work and determination to get there. He taught me that every baby is truly different and even if you have kids you’re not an expert and you can still learn new things. Every child is different and has different needs. Studies change and what was right 20 years ago may not still be considered right now. You need to be polite to the older generations and their advice. They mean well. It took me a while but I learned to nod my head and smile, then I did what I thought was best.

I didn’t introduce solids before 6 months, I didn’t introduce any potential allergens before a year. I had severe eczema growing up and I was hoping I would somehow avoid passing it on to my kids. I don’t know if it helped but some of my kids have eczema at different levels. So far not so bad. We do our best to protect them but we need to accept that we can’t protect them from everything. We will still try. That’s what parents do.

I know in the past mothers used to potty train their kids at very young ages! I didn’t even try until they were almost three and only if they were showing signs of being ready. I didn’t potty train my youngest until he was about 3 and three months and only because preschools had opened post-COVID and I knew he would benefit from going to school and being around children his age. It took me a while, but it stopped bothering me when people would comment about how so and so’s child was potty trained at 2 or could eat by themselves with a fork and spoon at 3. That’s great! Good for them! I’m not going to try to copy them. As long as I know I am tying my best, I’m doing what I can so they are well fed, healthy, well behaved, doing well in school, clean. It’s ok.

My youngest speaks English more fluently than Arabic. Am I happy about that? No. But with the pandemic and being isolated from most people, his older siblings speak English more than Arabic at home, especially since the only cousins that we saw during the pandemic speak English more fluently. They watch tv mostly in English, the even read in English. It all adds up. He’s learning Arabic at school, I try to speak in Arabic with him at home. He’s learning. This was actually something I had judged a mom I didn’t know about once at the dentist’s  waiting room. See what I mean?

I remember judging moms who would walk in public with the children trailing behind with their nanny. Thinking how I would never do that. Then I did! I had three kids at the time they were all very young maybe 4,2, and an infant. My husband had Seventh Cranial Nerve was taking medication that compromised his immune system and made him sensitive too loud sounds and lights. I had accidently spilled boiling sweet tea on my wrist. I needed to go to the hospital and I didn’t have anyone to leave my kids with. I took them and my mother in law’s full time helper. I was in so much pain, I had a fever, because it was a second degree burn and I didn’t go immediately to the doctor thinking I was ok. I was that mom walking into the hospital and pharmacy, my kids trailing behind me with the nanny, she was pushing the stroller. I couldn’t push it with because of my wrist. Maybe someone judged me, I didn’t care. I had learned my lesson.

I never judge picky eaters anymore. My 3rd taught me my lesson. He’s a good eater. He just has preferences. He used to judge food by the way they looked. We have an agreement now, if its new you have to taste it and decide if you like it.  If it’s been a long time since you’ve tried something you taste it again. Sometimes he discovers that he likes it.

My youngest (4-year-old) has been giving me a hard time with food lately. He still drinks formula, something I usually stop before they turn three. So, what’s working for us is, milk right after school only if he asks for it. Then later I’ll bring up a plate that he either eats by himself or I help him with if he needs encouraging. It’s been working so far. I’m sure in the past I would have judged that mom that still gives her 4 year old formula.

There is a ten year gap between my oldest and youngest. I’ve done so many things differently with my youngest. I won’t say I did things wrong in the past. It’s just things change, we learn, we have more experience. Each child is different and has different needs. As long as your kids are happy, healthy and thriving, don’t worry. You’re doing great.

Finding myself again..

I want this blog to inspire me to do the things I love: read (always paper books) bake, make art, puzzles, write! You know, I think its easy to lose yourself. You can be so busy, you don’t give yourself priority. Which is wrong. but it happens. My daughter loves painting and drawing and she caught me off guard once with a question: mama, why do you have all these paintbrushes? Why do you have all these art supplies? That made me pause and think. Its been that long since I’ve done anything artistic! My daughter doesn’t even know that about me! How is that possible? Even though we have three pieces of art on the wall in the living room that I made. I painted the frame and background and used pinecones and shells my kids had collected on vacations. Yet, she doesn’t remember. Because it has been that long.

It’s funny how sometimes we don’t realize what our kids remember from the past. For example; we went to Turkey in August 2016. My kids at the time were 9, 7, 5, 3. Even my 9 year old doesn’t remember much about that trip. So its no surprise they don’t remember me painting. I honestly haven’t painted much as a mother. I mostly do arts and crafts things. Usually with my kids or for themed parties. I’m not that good at drawing but that’s not the point. I love doing arts and crafts projects. I enjoy it. It makes me happy. That’s the point. I remember reading something about how a hobby isn’t about how good you are, it’s about enjoying it. According to Webster Dictionary the definition of hobby is:

“a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation”

So if it brings you joy, helps you relax, do it! As long as it makes you happy.

I’ve made a couple of pieces of wall art for our house. I made a piece for my husband as a gift from the kids that he took to his office. I have a so many ideas I wanted to try that have been on hold for years. Yes, years! Why? Because I’ve been too busy being a mom, or maybe I thought I was too busy. I needed to make a bigger effort to give myself time. I’m trying though. I’m a work in progress.

Right now. the one thing I always make time for is the gym. It’s something that can not be canceled. I realized that I can find time for it. It isn’t impossible. Nothing will happen to the kids if I leave them (with their grandma at home) and go to the gym.  I go at any time possible. Morning noon, night. I try to go everyday when I can because I know some weeks I will barely manage going twice. The gym is my happy place. I will not give that up.

I try to give myself time to do other things. I bought a bunch of “young adult” books. They reminded me of the books I used to borrow from the library in the summers when I was in high school. I needed an easy read. Something relaxed and sweet. It was exactly what I needed.

Recently me and my husband started going out for coffee in the weekends. We usually get two coffees to go and drive around town talking. It’s nice. We are both so busy most days we don’t sit and talk much. We usually send each other messages so we make sure we know about that dentist appointment and when the carpenter is finally coming. If we wait until we see each other we usually forgot. It’s not ideal but it works for us. I know this super busy phase will pass and we will have quieter days when the kids grow older.

I think since I haven’t had many IRL (in real life) friends since I moved to Riyadh. I’m always a bit  nervous meeting up with old friends. Especially when they are interior architects like me. I’m always judging myself. How I haven’t really worked and I have 5 kids. Most of my friends/ college classmates have one or two children or aren’t even married. They’ve focused on higher degrees and careers while I was busy dealing with “all day sickness” and teething babies. I don’t know why I expect them to judge me and make me feel less than them.

I met up with an old college friend who just moved to Riyadh. I was nervous because I was judging myself so harshly about being a SAHM. When we met I was surprised to hear that she was a SAHM too! She did some freelance work in the past but wasn’t doing anything at the moment. She was content. Why was I so hard on myself? She didn’t judge me at all. We had a great time. It was just like old times.

I have an awesome best friend (who lives on the other side of the country) who is always there to remind me that I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone. I know she’s right. I guess we all judge ourselves sometimes. Compare ourselves to others. Worry about what we “should be doing” or what we think is expected of us. I’d like to think that we’ve reached a place in society (world wide) where we are beginning to understand that there is no “should”. There is no rule. Everyone has different circumstances. Everyone is going through something different. So I’m a stay at home mom, so I have 5 kids. That doesn’t mean I’ve wasted my life. Comparing is so wrong.

I am slowly finding myself again. I’m better at giving myself priority when I need it. I’m better at communicating with my husband about what I want. I’m better at balancing between being me and being a mom/ wife/ DIL/ +all the different roles that comes with being a mom. I think I’m embracing the fact that I am an interior designer, I don’t have a formal job. That is my choice and it is fine. I’m working on our house and that is more than enough for now. There is no right or wrong when it comes a to personal life choices. As long as I’m ok with that and my husband is supportive, that’s all that matters.

Who knows that the future holds? I’m sure it’s all good.

My first post.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a while. I just want a place where I can talk about stuff I go through, as a human, as a mom, as a woman. I think that all humans on Earth are the same. Ok, we’re different. But we’re the same. I’m a stay at home mom (SAHM) I have 5 kids ages (15-4) I love traveling and I’ve been to many different countries. I’ve traveled with my kids. I’ve met people from all over the world. I think if we don’t let anyone tell us what we are supposed to think about others, if we don’t listen to the stereotypes, then we can live together in harmony. I want peace. I want to be as green as possible and take care of our planet. 
I’m rambling as usual...

I actually had started writing for this blog about a year ago (2021). My two oldest had started attending school. My two middle kids had online school in the afternoon. So, I had time to myself  in the morning to write a little. Then we started a major renovation project and between that and my family I had zero time to write. I have some posts from last year that I’ll post.

I’m still figuring out how my blog is going to be organized. I have so much to write about. I’m still not sure how I’m going to organize it.

I felt like for the longest time I’ve been writing this blog in my head. I’ve always loved writing. I just didn’t realize how happy it made me to write. I also have felt lost for a long time. I don’t know when I realized how lost I felt. I know it happens to a lot to mothers. You are so busy being a mom you don’t have much time to yourself, you’re so focused on your kids and so sleep deprived, you slowly stop doing the little things that bring you joy. Painting your nails. Putting a face mask on. Sitting in a comfy chair, reading a good book. Even your taste of books changes. For the longest time, I was reading self improvement books and parenting books. There is nothing wrong with reading these books but, you also need to read books that bring you joy. Books that take you away for a moment. I realized this when I was going to take a book to the hairdresser. (something I started doing after my fourth was born) When I realized, I didn’t want to take a book with me, because I didn’t have anything to read just for fun. So, I ordered a bunch of books. Starting with one of my favorites: “Under the Tuscan Sun” by Frances Mayes. I love the way she describes everything, taking us along on her journey in Italy. Buying and renovating a house in Italy. You can see what she sees and smell and taste what she eats. You are THERE with her experiencing everything. I then bought all of her books gradually. I remembered for the first time in longtime what it was like to get lost in a book. True bliss!

I don’t know when exactly I lost myself. My first 4 kids are about a year and a half apart so for a long time I had sleepless nights, dirty diapers and a messy house. I didn’t have much time for myself, I didn’t have any friends in the same city because I moved after I got married. I have a great relationship with my husband’s family so I always enjoyed their company which was often. I lost touch with a lot of friends. They were pursuing careers or off abroad getting their masters and PhD while I was busy wiping chins and playing with trains and dolls. (Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids!) I just needed a friend.

Slowly, I started to find myself again. I enrolled in a gym. For the first time in a long time I was Nuha again! Not someone’s mom or wife or daughter in law. I was me. There, they only knew me. It was great. For the hour I spent at the gym, I was me and only me. You’d think that since I didn’t have many friends, I’d try to make friends. But, at home, there was always so many people. Living with my mother law in is wonderful. I love my husband’s family. They truly are my second family. But I’m a person who really enjoys being by myself. So, at the gym, I didn’t want to be social at all. I did greet the receptionist and smile at other members and talk to the coaches, but I didn’t try to make any friends. I was happy with that.

I tried my best to give myself time to enjoy a cup of coffee, read a book, just sit in silence… It hasn’t been easy. My house has never really been clean. There is always a mess somewhere, some dishes in the sink, dirty laundry waiting to be washed. I used to be SUCH an organized person! My sister used to call me a neat freak. Haha. You wouldn’t believe me if you saw my house now. Becoming a mother has taught me to let go of the small things, the house doesn’t need to be spotless. The kids do need to be fed and happy. Its ok if my son doesn’t want to take a shower every day. It’s not the end of the world if the kids had cereal for dinner. It rarely happens but its ok if it does. They usually eat healthy balanced meals. I used to be that mom that has to bake something for school if there was a party or activity. I’m not anymore. Its ok if its store bought. There are healthy options thankfully. The main thing is balance. Don’t over do it and burn out quickly.

Something I think I need to mention is an app called YOU (which is no longer available unfortunately). I saw Jamie Oliver post on Instagram about it in January 2015. It was and still is a very important part of my life. I never imagined when I downloaded it how much it was going to help me. I had 4 kids at the time, my youngest was one. I was still lost. The app is all about mindfulness and daily actions to help you be more mindful and give yourself time and focus on what matters. It helps you find joy in the little things. The tiny details in life. But what was life changing wasn’t only the daily actions! It was the community! The community was so kind, supportive, loving, helpful, caring. Always positive and uplifting. They helped me so much. I never imagined I’d make so many friends from all over the world through this app. I never imagined I would have REAL friends on line! I went through so much and they were all there to give a kind word, some advice or just a (virtual) hug. We have been through so much together, weddings, divorces, deaths, YOUbabies, new jobs, retirements, house moves, city moves, continent moves…  We’ve exchanged emails, phone numbers, addresses for YOUmail. (which I’m really bad at. Something on my never ending to do list) There have been lots and lots of YOUmeets. I’ve met only one YOU friend because I live so far away. I can’t imagine my life without them. So, now you’ll know what I’m talking about when I mention the YOUapp.

Let’s talk about feeling burnt out. It happens I think to everyone at one point. Sometimes it’s unavoidable sometimes it isn’t. It’s important to try to avoid becoming burnt out but it’s also important to acknowledge when you’re burnt out and give yourself the time to recharge. One thing I learned from YOUapp is to give myself time. It doesn’t have to be hours. It could be just 5 minutes of silence with your feet up before the school run or 5 minutes in the middle of the prebedtime chaos, to sit down while the kids ran around getting ready for bed. You’re there to answer questions (where is my lunch box? Do we have toothpaste?) But you’re sitting, feet up when possible. It’s funny because it had never occurred to me that when I put my feet up, it helps me relax and is completely different then just sitting. It’s also my way of telling myself that I’m relaxing. It was my KIU (keep it action, an action you choose to do every day until it becomes a habit) for the longest time and it really made a difference. For a longtime my KIU was (Start the day happy) It’s not that I was miserable in my life. It’s just that I was going through stuff, like any normal human and I found mornings difficult. I woke up grumpy and the lack of sleep didn’t help at all. This action helped me find ways to boost my mood in the morning. They were all simple things. Coloring, on my phone or in a coloring book. Coffee and chocolate after breakfast. I remember for a while toasted bagels where my favorite breakfast. I would wait until the kids were at school and my husband was at work, make myself toasted bagel with cream cheese, coffee and hopefully a book. Eating my breakfast alone in silence was important to me. It helped me be more productive the rest of the day.

When we went to Turkey in 2016, I was at a place where I was determined to give myself priority, To not brush off what I wanted. To actually tell my husband what I wanted. My husband is so kind and caring but if I didn’t speak up then how was he supposed to know what I wanted? In turkey I bought a 1000 piece puzzle. It took me a while to finally open it. (I wanted the perfect place which did not exist, I eventually opted for a plastic table in my bedroom next to the window. It worked.) This opened a new door for me. I didn’t know how relaxing puzzles were. I enjoyed working on it so much. It became part of my mornings. I even ordered two more puzzles. I framed two, the third one I never completed and eventually put away when I was going through miscarriages and my last pregnancy. I am planning on taking it out soon. I have done a couple of puzzles with my daughter. They were really helpful during the pandemic and lockdown. My daughter had the worse insomnia and we would stay up late and work on puzzles. Who knew puzzles could be so therapeutic?

I discovered that it was quite simple. These little details in my life made a huge difference in my mood. They helped me wake up happy, they helped me become more productive throughout the day. They helped me keep going on with life as a mother of 4 (then 5), as a daughter in law living with her elderly mother in law (my second mom! She deserves a post on her own I am so lucky to have her), as a wife to an extremely busy and hardworking husband… I had finally started to balance all my responsibilities and still do things for myself. Life changing! Literally.